The Gunfighters
A Holiday for the Doctor
By Donald Cotton
1: EXT. “OK CORRAL”
(A dusty street in a town in the Wild West. Wooden buildings line the street and at one end is a fenced-off area with a sign over the entrance reading “TOMBSTONE
- O.K. CORRAL”.)
BALLAD: So fill up your glasses,
And join in the song...
A HOLIDAY FOR THE DOCTOR
BALLAD: The Law’s right behind you,
And it won’t take long.
So come, you coyotes...
Written by
DONALD COTTON
BALLAD: And howl at the moon,
Till there’s blood upon the sawdust,
In “The Last Chance” Saloon.
(Three cowboys - the CLANTON brothers - gallop down the street and stop at the Corral. The youngest of them - BILLY - pulls out his gun and impetuously fires
four shots at the sign. The oldest of the trio - IKA - yells at him...)
IKE CLANTON: Now why for did you do a fool thing like that?! Save your bullets for Holliday, boy.
BILLY CLANTON: I ain’t scared of Holliday!
(They move their horses over to the fence of the stockade.)
PHINEAS CLANTON: Hear that, Ike? Brother Billy ain’t scared.
(IKE is off his horse and tying it up. BILLY and the third brother - PHINEAS - also climb down and start to tie up their steeds next to IKE’S.)
IKE CLANTON: Nobody says you was scared, boy. Our brother Reuben, now he wasn’t scared of him, but that didn’t stop Holliday fillin’ him full of
holes!
PHINEAS CLANTON: Where do we all meet up with Seth?
IKE CLANTON: “The Last Chance” Saloon.
BILLY CLANTON: What for do we need Seth Harper?
PHINEAS CLANTON: Oh! Pa’s paying him, and Pa wants us to work along with him.
IKE CLANTON: Come on!
(They finish tying up their horses and stride on into town.)
BALLAD: On your way then you Cowboys,
The time will be soon,
When there's blood upon the sawdust
In the Last Chance Saloon!
(All around is a small collection of primitive 19th century wooden dwellings built around the dusty road of Main Street. Not far away from where
the Clantons left their horses, in a section of stables Marked "LIVERY AND FEED STORE" a curious strangled screeching of twisting dimensions echoes
around.)
2, INT: FEED STORE
(All around the rough timber barn sit ropes and wheels, barrels and sacks of grain. The dirt floor is lined with straw and all around is the balmy smell of
warm pine and earth. Somewhere a horse whinnies. The door to a tall blue Police Box standing in a corner opens and an old man walks out holding a handkerchief
to his mouth as if he were in pain. He walks over to the door and peers out, then sits down on a small barrel. A young man in a jaunty multicoloured striped top
is the next out, followed by a small dark-haired girl in a short dress and top decorated with circles. Upon her head is a groovy puffed-up sixties-style cloth
cap.)
STEVEN: Oh what's the matter Doctor?
DOCTOR: Oh, I've got the most ghastly toothache, it's paralysing pain! Hunh!
STEVEN: Ah, it serves you right for eating that sweet!
DOCTOR: Uhhh!
STEVEN: Well aren't there any painkillers on the TARDIS?
DOCTOR: Uhhh!
DODO: If there's anything I can get you?
DOCTOR: Oh my dear thank you, no I shall have to have it out. We've got to find a dentist.
STEVEN: Hmph, well where are we?
DOCTOR: Oh...ooh!
STEVEN: Ah it must be in the past sometime.
DOCTOR: Yes, you're very observant dear boy, but where, mm?
STEVEN: How would I know?
DODO: I know.
STEVEN: Oh where?
DOCTOR: Well use your eyes dear boy! Good heavens!
STEVEN: Oh!
(He moves to the door of the barn and looks out, he notices a sign right away describing the town as "TOMBSTONE O.K. CORRAL".)
STEVEN: Tombstone! The O.K... Well that sounds like...
DODO: The wild-West!
(Dodo takes Steven by the arms and dances around with him delightedly.)
STEVEN: Well it can't be can it?
DOCTOR: Oh why not? Hmph-hmph, fat chance I've got of finding a dentist in the middle West part of...
DODO: Hehe... Ye-hoo!
DOCTOR: Oh please, must you?!
STEVEN: Look, I've always wanted to be a Cowboy; See what life was like in the wild-West!
(He runs into the TARDIS to find some suitable clothes.)
DODO: Hey, they had Cowgirls too didn't they?
DOCTOR: Yes, yes, yeah...
DODO: Yeeah-hoo!
(Dodo follows Steven into the TARDIS.)
DOCTOR: What about MY TOOTH?! Mm-Hm-hmph!
3, INT: LAST CHANCE SALOON
(A mean looking man leans, gun in hand against the bar knocking back shots of sippin' liquor. To one side Charlie the barman bottle in hand mops the tables,
before returning behind the bar.)
BALLAD: It's your last chance of cussing
At a gunfighter's doom,
It's your last chance of nothin'
At the Last Chance Saloon!
(Seth Harper looks over from the bar as three figures stride through the saloon doors.)
HARPER: You took your sweet time gettin' here Clanton. Well, Doc Holliday got here before noon!
IKE: Rode out as soon as ever I got your wire, anyways Holliday'll keep for a drink or three I'd say.
BILLY: Sure enough Will! Barman! A bottle and three more Glasses.
(He thumps the bar.)
BILLY: Fast!
IKE: Er, you boys know this guy?
PHINEAS: Yeah, snake-eyes Harper.
HARPER: I don't like being called snake-eyes, last fellow called me that got himself an extra hole in the head!
IKE: Sure Seth, sure. we're friends ain't we? Ain't we in this together?
HARPER: Well I'm in it. You're all together on the outside lookin' in.
PHINEAS: Now that ain't so! We're backing you! You make your play and we gun 'im down - easy as skinnin' summer fries!
(They all laugh.)
BILLY: Yeah, that's it! Haha!
(Over at the bar Charlie looks worried.)
4, INT: FEED STORE
(Steven waltzes out of the TARDIS door looking like an idiot in a silky white gunslinger's outfit and hat, he gets a little way and then trips over his spurs
and almost ends up flat on his face. Dodo follows him in a white blouse and a sheepskin skirt and waistcoat. On her head is an unmatching black hat.)
DODO: How do we look?
DOCTOR: Oh good gracious! It's absolutely absurd!
DODO: Oh!
DOCTOR: Why you have to dress yourselves up like Tom-Micks I can't imagine! You're asking for trouble. Why can't you wear inconspicuous clothes like I
do, mm?
DODO: Oh what about me? don't you like it?
(The Doctor looks at Dodo.)
DOCTOR: Oh that hat is certainly wrong with it.
DODO: Oh it's not supposed to be... That's for you!
(She takes off her hat and places it upon the Doctor's head.)
DOCTOR: Oh... For me my dear child? Oh, that's very thoughtful of you, thank you. Yes, at least it'll keep the rain off, mm-mm. Oh yes it's most
suitable...
(His hand shoots to the side of his mouth and he dabs it tenderly with his handkerchief again.)
DOCTOR: Oooh!
(Steven whispers to Dodo.)
STEVEN: Buffalo Bill to the line.
(Dodo laughs.)
DOCTOR: What was that?
(Steven begins to talk in an absurdly false "Dill-the-pill goes cowboy" accent.)
STEVEN: Nothin' pardner!
(He walks over to the Doctor.)
STEVEN: I was just a-practising mah quick-draw!
(Steven attempts to take out his gun in a hurry, but ends up dropping it on the floor causing Dodo to laugh again. Steven retrieves and holsters his gun.)
DOCTOR: Oh! Oh do be careful dear boy! And remember that belongs to my favourite collection!
STEVEN: Naah see here stranger, I reckon you don't know who I is! Deadeye Steve.
(He pulls out the gun and the Doctor moans again.)
STEVEN: The fastest, meanest gun in the West!
(He tries to spin the toy gun, but gets it caught in his fingers. Dodo gazes adoringly.)
DODO: I think you're smashing!
(There is the sound of a shot and the gun flies out of Steven's hand causing the Doctor to jump up in annoyance.)
DOCTOR: Oh what on Earth are you..?!
(He sees a large, gruff-looking man with a large curled handlebar moustache wearing a wide brimmed hat standing in the doorway of the barn. Upon his chest is
a gold star and in his hand is a very real gun.)
DOCTOR: And who might you be sir, mm?!
WYATT: You wanna find out, try movin' fast! Now get over!
(He motions with the gun and the party moves together.)
DOCTOR: I-I don't know who you are or what right you have...
WYATT: Marshall of Tombstone's my right and Wyatt Earp's my name.
(Dodo looks like she is about to either ask for an autograph or faint.)
DODO: Oh Wyatt Earp!
WYATT: Oh, something wrong ma'am?!
DODO: Oh no, it's just that... Well I always wanted to meet you and here we are face to face!
(Wyatt regards her curiously.)
WYATT: Well, the Lord sure do move in mysterious ways ma'am. Now maybe you'll all just come along to Sheriff's office?!
STEVEN: Hah-ha what on Earth for?
WYATT: So as that you can identify yourself in decent law abiding manner!
STEVEN: Aha no, you see I'm er... I'm not really a gunman, I was just...
WYATT: Haha! You did kinda make that look obvious didn't ya, boy?! That's why I'm doin' you a favour taking you on in.
STEVEN: Why?
WYATT: Kinda, the Clantons're in town. And boy, that's mighty unhealthy for a stranger that calls himself the fastest gun in town!
DOCTOR: Huh!
WYATT: Now pick up yer...pea shooter and let's get movin'!
(Steven picks up his gun and they all walk out of the barn.)
5, INT: LAST CHANCE SALOON
(Billy is slouching with his back to the bar with, behind which a large sign bears the legend: "NO SHOOTING IN THE SALOON". Ike, Phineas and Seth
are playing cards at a table. The glamorous "big-nose" Kate Fisher walks through the door and swishes past Billy drawing his attention.)
IKE: It just ain't possible, against the four of us? He won't know what hit 'im. Eh Billy? Billy!
BILLY: Yeah, yeah it'd be a real shame, I'd like for him to know. I'd like him to know us for Reuben's brothers
HARPER: Look, you don't know Holliday. You want him ta come lookin' for us, And you ain't even seen 'im? You're crazy!
PHINEAS: Well where's he at now?
HARPER: Well how should I know where he's at? I-I just know he pulled in here this mornin'.
PHINEAS: Well let's get this straight, you mean you don't know where Holliday... You-you you n-never met Holliday either?
HARPER: Look, I don't have to meet 'im, I've seen pictures I've had him described to me! Dapper little fellow with a black buck's back coat...gambler's
fancy vest.
BILLY: So fine, so we'll know him when we find him!
(He drunkenly knocks back another drink.)
BILLY: So how do we find 'im?
HARPER: Er, we don't have to find him. Ain't you heard o' Holliday's gamblin' n'drinkin'? Now where's the one place in town he's liable to get both?
IKE: Right here! Hehehe!
HARPER: Yeah. So we just sit here and wait for him 'n that's all we gotta do!
(Kate finishes her drink and slams the glass down on the counter, she has heard enough.)
KATE: Hey Charlie! I'll be right back.
CHARLIE: Why, you goin'?
KATE: I just thought me of an errand I forgot.
CHARLIE: Well y-y-you better be right back, if you aim to keep on workin' here!
(Kate give Charlie a sidelong look.)
KATE: Why of course Charlie!
(She turns, hoists her skirts and heads out of the saloon doors.)
6, EXT: MAIN STREET
(Kate walks away from the bar, and gets distracted for a moment by a poster of Johnny Ringo on a shop with the word "REWARD" stencilled in large
friendly letters. She turns from the poster and walks down the street again passing two men who turn to look at her as she walks away.)
BALLAD: With rings on their fingers
And bells on their toes
The girls come to Tombstone
In their high silk-hoes.
They'll dance on the tables
Or sing you a tune,
For whatever's in your wallet
At the Last Chance Saloon!
7, INT: DENTIST'S SHOP
(Some hired hands are unpacking items from a cart and moving them into a vacant shop. Two of them move a large adjustable dentist's chair and walk across the
floor of the shop with it. "Doc" Holliday, a gangly little man with a thin face and a grey moustache rushes over to them.)
HOLLIDAY: Now you move that real easy, real easy. That's my operatin' chair. You treat her like she was your Monday bride!
(He walks out to the street to talk to Kate.)
HOLLIDAY: Why Miss Kate, how are ya?
KATE: Doc Holliday I gotta talk to you!
HOLLIDAY: Mm?
KATE: I thought you'd told me that you'd given up gunplay like you'd promised?
HOLLIDAY: Why so I have Kate; and so I'd been meaning to. I got myself a dentist's shop regular and permanent here on Main Street and I am movin' in! Hehehe!
(He walks back into his shop.)
KATE: Well you better just move right out again!
(He moves off to check his equipment not really listening to Kate's tirade, but making all the right noises.)
HOLLIDAY: ...Ehah.
KATE: 'Cause four men are waitin' for you at the Last Chance this very moment.
HOLLIDAY: Yeah...
KATE: I'm plum worn out worryin' about you, Doc! All I want is to live peaceful.
HOLLIDAY: Hey...so do I Kate. Who are these men anyway?
KATE: Well there's a guy called Seth Harper.
HOLLIDAY: Ah yeh...
(He walks out into the street to supervise more unpacking and Kate follows.)
KATE: Then there's, there's three brothers by the name of, er, Clanton.
(Holliday freezes, then walks moodily back into the shop again.)
HOLLIDAY: Clanton?! ...Ya kill a guy out of sheer professional ethics, and then you've got three of his brothers chasin' after you to leave at once.
That makes me real angry!
KATE: You're through with being angry Doc, all you're gonna do is get outta town!
HOLLIDAY: Oh that don't appeal Kate, that don't come at all natural!
KATE: But Doc, it ain't safe for ya here in Tombstone!
HOLLIDAY: The day I can't walk down Main Street o' any city in the West on account it ain't safe then I'll be dead! I'll be dead!
(He leaves and Kate walks out into the street after him.)
KATE: Doc...Doc Holliday!
8, EXT: MAIN STREET
(Holliday stops walking away and turns to face Kate.)
HOLLIDAY: Kate Fisher, are you gonna be my lady wife?
KATE: Of course I am Doc!
HOLLIDAY: Hahaha!
MASTERSON: Holliday!
(A stocky man with a dark downturned moustache faces Holliday suspiciously with his hands on his hips.)
HOLLIDAY: Why good afternoon Mr Masterson! Good afternoon Sheriff, hahaha! I reckon you must be come ta meet the stage crew.
MASTERSON: Never mind what I'm doing Holliday. Just you stay out of trouble that's all, I won't be givin' you no second warnin'!
HOLLIDAY: Why it's like I was sayin' to ya Sheriff, I aim to be a respectable citizen now! And you know I always run a clean game!
MASTERSON: Here on in, you ain't runnin' no game at all. Stay out of saloons Holliday and stay away from the poker table.
HOLLIDAY: Then I bid you good afternoon Sheriff; and I hope I shall be having the pleasure of attending you shortly in my dental saloon! Are you
accompanying me Miss, er, Kathleen?
(Masterson watches them go, idly rubbing his lower mandible in thought. From across the way Earp, the Doctor, Steven and Dodo walk across a wooden veranda
and step down to the dirt road of Main Street as somewhere in the distance a bell rings.)
MASTERSON: So you finally got back then!
WYATT: Howdy Bat, everythin' quiet in town?
MASTERSON: Everythin' 'cept that rattlesnake friend of yours Holliday blew in this mornin'. Who're your friends Wyatt?
(Earp looks at the travellers.)
WYATT: Well I, er-er...
DOCTOR: Oh ah-ah...quite, quite so. Allow me sir to introduce er, Miss Dodo Dupont wizard of the ivory keys, and ah Steven Regret, tenor. And lastly sir,
your humble servant Doctor... Calligari. Mm..hmph-hm!
MASTERSON: Doctor who?
DOCTOR: Yes er, quite right. I've just been satisfying the Sheriff here that we are a humble troupe of travelling players. Unfortunately sir, at
the moment between engagements.
MASTERSON: Well if I was you I'd keep a-travellin'. There ain't no theatre in Tombstone.
DOCTOR: Oh, is that so? Oh well, that's no matter, no. You see my prime purpose for visiting your city sir, was to avail myself the services of a dentist.
WYATT: A dentist?
DOCTOR: Yeah...hah.
WYATT: Well then, Doc Holliday's yer man!
(He glances at Masterson.)
WYATT: Where is the Doc back?
MASTERSON: Opened hisself a surgery right along the Street.
(He points.)
MASTERSON: Walk thatta way, friend. You can't miss it.
DOCTOR: Oh I'm vastly obliged to you Sheriff! Hehe! Come, fellow thespians!
(The Doctor ushers Steven and Dodo away and turns back to Earp for a moment.)
DOCTOR: No doubt I shall be very glad to see you, meet you later on Mr-Mr Werp. Ehn.
(Earp turns and he and Masterson exchange concerned glances.)
WYATT: I'll bet with the Clantons and Holliday in town you'n me's headed for a load of trouble boy!
MASTERSON: I reckon so!
(They turn and walk up the street.)
BALLAD: On your way then you lawmen,
The time will be soon,
When there's blood upon the sawdust
In the Last Chance Saloon!
9, EXT: MAIN STREET (Later.)
(The Doctor, Steven and Dodo walk along a wooden veranda and down into the street.)
STEVEN: Look I don't know why you wanted to say it in the first place! Steven Regret? I mean, what kind of a name is that for a singer anyway?!
DOCTOR: Oh my dear young man, can't you sing a little, Hm?
STEVEN: Oh yes a little, but why say it at all?
DOCTOR: Well I had to find some sort of suitable cover; after all, you can't walk into the middle of a Western town and say that you've come from outer
space! Good gracious me...we'd all be arrested on a vagrancy charge!
STEVEN: And what about our little wizard of the keys?
DOCTOR: Oh!
STEVEN: Miss Dupont, can you play?
DODO: I'll have a bash!
STEVEN: Hah.
DOCTOR: There will be no necessity to "have a bash", because tomorrow morning we're going to leave Tomb-Tombstone; and we should be back in the
TARDIS, in for lunch!
(He looks up and sees a large wooden tooth suspended from a metal bracket bolted to the side of Holliday's dentist shop.)
DOCTOR: You know, I don't think that that is a very subtle form of advertising, d'you? Hm-hm!
(The Doctor stops and touches then side of his face hopefully.)
DOCTOR: ...Yes, come to think of it my dear...you know; I think my...er, my toothache's better! Yes, I do think it's going to be alright! Heh!
(He tries to leave, but Steven blocks his escape.)
STEVEN: Come on Doctor...
DOCTOR: Mm?
STEVEN: Straight into the surgery!
DOCTOR: Oh!
STEVEN: I'll go to the hotel and book the rooms.
DODO: Please Doctor, you'll feel so much better afterwards!
DOCTOR: Oh, I only wish I shared your confidence my dear! However, I suppose I'll er...I'll meet you both back in the hotel lounge.
(He presses his jaw.)
DOCTOR: Oh! There it goes again!
(Dodo laughs as the Doctor departs, and she joins Steven.)
STEVEN: The hotel lounge? Where does he think we are?
(Dodo laughs again.)
STEVEN: What's so funny?
DODO: I was just thinking, I hope he's not expecting an injection!
(Arm in arm they stroll off towards the Last Chance Saloon giggling to themselves.)
10, INT: DENTIST'S SHOP
(The Doctor walks through the door and looks around the empty shop. He passes the chair and moves over to the side and examines the equipment. Walking past
that, he moves to a door behind which the low sound of conversation can be heard. The Doctor gently pushes one the door and walks in. On a table is a half empty
bottle and two glasses, and on Holliday is Kate engaged in a passionate embrace.)
HOLLIDAY: Mmmmm.
KATE: I Gotta get me that...
(He kisses her repeatedly.)
HOLLIDAY: Tulip!
(As the Doctor makes his presence known, Kate jumps off the Doc and he jumps up glaring coldly, his gun in his hand as if by magic.)
DOCTOR: I er-er, forgive me sir, I er, I should have knocked! Hm-hm-hm!
(Holliday doesn't take his eyes of the Doctor and doesn't lower his gun.)
HOLLIDAY: What's your business?
(The Doctor stands very still, his hat in his hand and blusters.)
DOCTOR: Yes well...er the fact is that I er, I er have a... Toothache.
(Holliday and Kate look at each other for a second of stern silence then collapse in a fit of giggles.)
KATE: Ha-ha! well glory be!
HOLLIDAY: He-he. What d'ya know?!
KATE: D'you know you're our very first customer? Ha-ha!
HOLLIDAY: Yeah!
(The Doctor smells the alcohol on Holliday's breath and looks at Kate dubiously.)
DOCTOR: Oh, I see, we- Tch...ah, well under the circumstances I think perhaps... Er yes, excuse me...
(The Doctor swiftly exits the back room and walks across the shop, Holliday pursues him.)
HOLLIDAY: Er, now-now-now-now-now, stranger! Just you sit right down in that chair!
KATE: Right along here, honey!
(Kate grabs the Doctor and thrusts him into Holliday's adjustable chair. Holliday stands over the Doctor like as if he were a Spanish inquisitor.)
DOCTOR: Yeah well, as a matter of fact my dear sir..!
HOLLIDAY: Yeah, as a matter of fact it don't do to delay dental treatment!
(Holliday steps on a pedal and the chair descends.)
HOLLIDAY: Down you go, that's the philosophy of toothache! Now you go in the back room Kate.
KATE: Oh! Can't I watch?
HOLLIDAY: Now you know you can't stand the sight of blood!
(She looks disappointed.)
KATE: Oh okay. But I'll be thinkin' of ya!
(She grabs the Doctor's cheek affectionately.)
DOCTOR: AAARRGH! wh-tch-tch-oh!
HOLLIDAY: She's a kind of a sensitive girl. Well now, what seems to be your trouble sir?
DOCTOR: Well, I think it's at the back here somewhere.
HOLLIDAY: Yeah, let me look.
(The Doctor opens his mouth.)
HOLLIDAY: Oh yeah, I see. Well now, if you'll just hold real still, I'll erm...
(He takes a grubby pair of pliers from his coat pocket and advances.)
DOCTOR: Oh-er, just a minute please, ehm-ehm, haven't you any, er, anaesthetic mm? Hmph-hmph!
HOLLIDAY: What?
DOCTOR: Well er, something to sort of...dull the pain, man!
(He hold up his gun.)
HOLLIDAY: Well I could give you a rap on the cranium with this, er, six millimetre...
(He holds up his gun.)
DOCTOR: Good gracious, certainly not!
(He proffers a bottle.)
HOLLIDAY: You're welcome to a slug o' rattlesnake oil!
DOCTOR: Oh my dear man, I never touch the alcohol!
HOLLIDAY: Haha! Well I do.
(He raises the bottle and takes a few gulps.)
DOCTOR: Well I must say, this is most unprofessional! I do hope you know what you're doing!
HOLLIDAY: I never tolerated any complaints yet, in my whole life. Now then... You just Open wide!
(The Doctor reluctantly opens his mouth with a pained expression on his face and Holliday moves the pliers forward....)
BALLAD: It's your last chance of boozing,
Where there's no-one to mind.
It's your last chance of losing
And the first place you'll find.
11, INT: LAST CHANCE SALOON
CHARLIE: Sorry it's kinda quiet in here tonight gentlemen. We er, do reckon to have a singer only she's just stepped out a while down the...
BILLY: Maybe it's too quiet for you barman? Like us to liven it up a little for ya? How about a little fancy shootin', ha?
CHARLIE: Nah I don't want any trouble!
(Billy tosses his gun from one hand to the other.)
BILLY: No trouble at all, friend.
(He spins his gun around his finger and aims at a bottle, behind the bar shooting it into fragments.)
IKE: You gone clean out of your mind, boy?!
(A few customers hastily leave.)
IKE: That ain't no way to behave! Siddown!
(The saloon doors open and Steven and Dodo enter.)
IKE: Oh, we got company.
(As Steven walks in the saloon door swings back and hits him.)
PHINEAS: Well lookie here, if it isn't Calamity Jane and Sam Bass!
(They all laugh as Steven and Dodo quietly approach, and lean against it the bar. Steven thumps a small loud bell on the counter and he and Dodo nonchalantly
looks away. Charlie slowly pokes his head above the bar.)
CHARLIE: What'll it be, stranger?
(Steven and Dodo spin around in fright, and see Charlie standing there as if he had just teleported in. Steven uses his phony accent again, as if it were a
local language.)
STEVEN: Ah... Oh nothing to drink thanks. We er, we just want to book three rooms.
CHARLIE: Three? For the two of ye?
STEVEN: A-a..oh, no, we got a friend joinin' us later.
CHARLIE: Oh, well I'll have to ask you to sign the book here.
STEVEN: Sure.
CHARLIE: Just your names and occupations.
(He reads what they have written.)
CHARLIE: Say, are you really a piano player lady?
(Dodo joins in with Steven for a spot of bad accent impersonation.)
DODO: You're darn tootin' I am!
CHARLIE: And a singer too, well I'll be...
STEVEN: Why, what's the matter?
CHARLIE: Well nothin' in the wide world, friend, I might just be able to offer you a job is all. I-I-I got no pianist on account he was shot last
week; and I do have a singer, but she's always out someplace...understand?
(He winks repeatedly, but only ends up making it look like a mosquito has flown into his eye.)
DODO: I...think so.
STEVEN: Yeah, well i-it's very kind of you, but we gotta leave town in the mornin'.
(He holds out an expectant hand.)
CHARLIE: Ah well, er, let me know if you change your mind. Er, first floor. Three, six and seven.
(Steven takes the keys.)
STEVEN: Why thanks. Come on Dodo.
(Steven leads Dodo away past the tables.)
DODO: Ah, but Steven...
STEVEN: It's no good Dodo! The Doctor would never forgive me if anything happened to you.
HARPER: You all hear what I heard?
(Dodo and Steven pause on the steps.)
DODO: Ah well... Hey, what about his key?
STEVEN: Oh that's a point' yes. Leave it downstairs for him, okay?
(Dodo goes back and give Charlie the Doctor's key.)
DODO: Give this to our friend the Doctor with my compliments.
CHARLIE: Sure ma'am.
(Dodo leaves.)
IKE: So Holliday ain't travelling alone this time.
BILLY: Gimme that book!
(He grabs the book and reads.)
CHARLIE: Now see here!
BILLY: Steven Regret. Now any of you boys ever see a singer carry six guns afore?
PHINEAS: So Holliday has got hisself a partner!
IKE: Harper! Are you sure Holliday doesn' know we're lookin' for him?
HARPER: Oh how could he, I ain't spread it about!
IKE: I dunno, but when he comes to collect his key I'll sure have me an itchy feelin' in mah back thinkin' of his friend Regret comin' down those stairs
behind me. Phin, go up and fetch him down!
PHINEAS: What'll I say?
IKE: Anything, only keep it friendly.
PHINEAS: You're the boss!
IKE: An' Harper, You take a walk down main street an see if you can find Holliday. I'm gettin' tired of just sittin' here waitin'!
12, INT: DENTIST'S SHOP
(Holliday holds up the Doctor's tooth.)
HOLLIDAY: My-my, what a fine piece of ivory! You know, I think I'll give that to Kate for a souvenir!
DOCTOR: I don't care what you do with it my good man, only get it out of my sight! Hunh!
HOLLIDAY: Yeah.
DOCTOR: What do I owe you, hmm?
HOLLIDAY: Oh you don't owe me nothing Mister, you're my first customer you have this one on the house!
(Holliday walks into the back to give the tooth to Kate. The Doctor moans softly to himself holding the handkerchief to his mouth.)
DOCTOR: Oh! Good thing I didn't have to have my tonsils out! Oh!
13, EXT: MAIN STREET
BALLAD: ...When there's blood upon the sawdust
At the Last Chance Saloon!
(Seth Harper walks over to the window of the dentist shop and peers in, then enters.)
14, INT: DENTIST'S SHOP
(Seth looks around and sees the person he remembers having described to him.)
HARPER: Doc!
(The Doctor turns.)
DOCTOR: Oh yes-yes, what? What is it?
HARPER: Holliday?
DOCTOR: Holiday? Yes, I suppose so. Yes, you call it that. Mm hm-hm-hm!
HARPER: My name's Harper, Seth Harper.
(In the back room Holliday listens to the conversation.)
DOCTOR: Oh, well I'm very glad to know you Mr Harper! Yes, I suppose you've brought a message from my friends...
HARPER: Well, kinda a message, Doc. The boys are waitin' for you at the saloon. They'd sure like to buy you a drink!
DOCTOR: Oh well, that's er very sociable of them. But ah, unfortunately I don't touch alcohol. Hmph!
HARPER: That's not what I heard Doc! But, ah...we'll play it your way. Look, we'll give you five minutes, and if you aren't there we're
gonna come looking for ya! Okay?
(He leaves the shop. Kate tries to walk through to the main shop, but Holliday stops her from interfering.)
KATE: Now Doc!
HOLLIDAY: Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah!
(Holliday takes off his gun belt, laughs to himself and walks through into the shop, Kate follows him.)
DOCTOR: Oh that's a very charming man that, er, Mr Harper. Did you hear what he said?
HOLLIDAY: Yeah, that's just fair Western hospitality ya know. But if you'll forgive my saying so, you ain't dressed right for a party!
DOCTOR: Oh my dear man, I fail to see that my clothes have...
HOLLIDAY: Ah now, it ain't exactly your clothes...
DOCTOR: Well what is it then, hmm?
HOLLIDAY: You ain't wearin' a gun.
DOCTOR: Well I should hope not! I certainly disapprove of violence!
HOLLIDAY: Ha! Now you can borrow mine!
DOCTOR: No-no-no-no-no, I...no!
HOLLIDAY: Now come along, here you just stand up. Now you put the holster on him.
(Kate obliges.)
HOLLIDAY: Now my gun here has my name printed on it from way down Alabama, my-where my father was a Colonel in the army. So you can return that to me
when you leave Tombstone which no doubt you will! Now there you are sir!
(Laughing at himself Holliday hands the Doctor a gun. He looks in speechless astonishment at the gun which he is unsteadily holding.)
DOCTOR: W...ah!
(The Doctor bends down the examine the gunbelt that has just been fastened around his waist and waves the weapon towards Kate. She moves it aside, he keeps
moving until the gun is pointing at Holliday. Holliday takes the gun and slips it into the holster at the Doctor's side.)
HOLLIDAY: You put that in the holster. ...Fetch the gentleman's hat, Kate!
KATE: Here we are!
(She plants the Doctor’s hat onto his head.)
HOLLIDAY: There now, ain't he smart? Ain't 'e though!
KATE: Swell, cute!
(She pinches the Doctor's cheek again.)
HOLLIDAY: Let's just come along to your party, you come along to your party.
(The Doctor looks slightly flustered.)
DOCTOR: Thank you, thank you. I don't know how I shall ever repay you.
HOLLIDAY: You'll find a way to repay me. Goodbye... And good luck!
DOCTOR: What?
HOLLIDAY: Goodbye and good luck.
DOCTOR: Oh. yes indeed, yes thank you. And the same to you and many of them. Goodbye for the moment. Oh!
(The Doctor walks out of the doors of the dentist shop.)
HOLLIDAY: It sure seems a pity he bothered to have that tooth out!
15, INT: LAST CHANCE SALOON
(Seth walks back into the saloon and walks over to Ike and Billy.)
HARPER: Okay Clanton I found Holliday. He'll be here in about five minutes.
IKE: Great!
PHINEAS: Now then Mr Regret, you and the little lady step right down to the piano and give us a song!
(He walks down the steps with Steven and Dodo, when they get down the are surrounded by Seth and the Clantons all with drawn pistols.)
STEVEN: Ah...yeah well ah, the thing is we're ah, kinda a little bit out of practice! Y'know...it's...
PHINEAS: Ha-haha!
BILLY: So here's your chance to warm up a little!
DODO: Hey, couldn't we rehearse on our own first?
STEVEN: Yeah!
IKE: How about that, they wanna be on their own! You'll sing here, now and fast!
STEVEN: Oh well why?
IKE: On account of we're all music lovers!
(The Clantons aim their guns squarely in the direction of Steven and Dodo and Ike cocks his gun. Something falls to the ground with a clatter and Steven and
Dodo simultaneously scream in fright.)
16, EXT: MAIN STREET
BALLAD: When there's blood upon the sawdust
In the Last Chance Saloon!
(The Doctor walks down the street holding his handkerchief to the side of his face. He stops and examines the gun which Holliday gave him.)
17, INT: LAST CHANCE SALOON
(Billy creeps behind Steven and slips the toy guns out of his holsters with no small amusement.)
BILLY: You don't need guns to sing Mr Regret, I'll hold 'em for you!
(Steven wheels round.)
STEVEN: Hey, now come on will ya!
(Phineas motions with his gun.)
PHINEAS: Shuddup! And sing, friend!
(Steven turns to Dodo.)
STEVEN: You wait 'til I see the Doctor, he got us into this!
IKE: What's the trouble?
(Dodo scrabbles on the piano for music.)
STEVEN: Nothin', we just choosin' a song!
DODO: Oh here's one.
(He whispers to Dodo.)
STEVEN: Let's hope that the piano knows it!
DODO: The Ballad of the Last Chance Saloon.
STEVEN: Play maestro!
IKE: Hold it!
(He turns to the others.)
IKE: Boys, watch the door, and when Holliday comes through it, blast 'im!
(Billy and Phineas rush either side of the door, and Harper just looks on. Ike motions to Steven with his gun.)
IKE: Okay!
(Dodo begins to tinkle on the old honky-tonk like a diva.)
STEVEN: With rings on their fingers
And bells on their toes
The girls come to Tombstone
In their high silk-hoes.
They'll dance on the tables
Or give you a tune,
For whatever's in your wallet
At the Last Chance Saloon!
(Harper sees him slow down, and levels a gun at him. As Steven finishes he looks up and jumps at the sight of the gun pointed at his face. Taking it as a
hint he begins to sing the next verse.)
18, EXT: MAIN STREET
(Outside Steven's singing can be heard by the Doctor who walks steadily towards the Saloon.)
STEVEN OOV: It's your last chance of givin',
It's your last chance of rye,
It's your last chance at livin'
And your last chance to die!
19, INT: LAST CHANCE SALOON
(With guns pointed at them, both Steven and Dodo are powerless to prevent the Doctor from walking straight into a trap laid for Doc Holliday.)
STEVEN: It's your last chance of boozing,
Where there's no-one to mind.
It's your last chance of losing
And the first place you'll find...
Next Episode: Don't Shoot the Pianist
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The Doctor
William Hartnell
Dodo Chaplet
Jackie Lane
Steven Taylor
Peter Purves
Ike Clanton
William Hurndell
Phineas Clanton
Maurice Good
Billy Clanton
David Cole
Seth Harper
Shane Rimmer
Charlie
David Graham
Wyatt Earp
John Alderson
Doc Holliday
Roy Godfrey
Kate Fisher
Sheena Marshe
Bat Masterson
Richard Beale
Title music by
Ron Grainer and the
BBC Radiophonic
Workshop
Story Editor
Gerry Davis
Designer
Barry Newberry
Producer
Innes Lloyd
Director
Rex Tucker
(C) BBCTV 1966
Transcribed by
Rynad
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