By ERIC SAWARD
Running time : 10:14
First transmitted : 1st August 1985
(Another six blasts, followed by another, much louder,
Barton : Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrggh. I'm awfully sorry sir, but
I'm feeling rather unwell.
Doctor : Reposition yourself. Move away from the gunfire.
Barton : I'm afraid sir that the only position I can
adopt is a horizontal one.
(Barton falls over)
Doctor : I'm sorry about this, but my friend has had to
withdraw from the game.
Grant : Just keep your hands where I can see them,
otherwise you'll be joining him.
2. Computer System
Computer : Are you there? The drone's been damaged!
Main Comp : Deactivate his conditioning circuit. I see no
reason why the Time Lord shouldn't learn the truth.
Computer : Do you think that's wise?
Main Comp : Whatever the drone tells him will only feed
his curiosity. That will be enough to deliver him into my hands.
3. The Ducting
Seedle : As a rule miss I'm quite keen on exercise, but
strolling up and down dark, dusty ducting is not the most agreeable way of
Peri : Well it's difficult to say precisly where he was.
It all looks the same, especially now that bulkhead door's been opened.
Seedle : I'm afraid miss that if you're going to invent
your senario will have to become considerably more plausable than it is at the
Peri : I'm telling the truth.
Snatch : You must co-operate miss, my collegue has a
history of violently attacking people.
Seedle : I have beaten my fists raw on some of the finest
criminals in the galaxy.
Peri : A-are you policemen?
Seedle : Certainly not miss! You'll just have to accept
the somewhat implausable story that we are environment inspectors.
Grant : No gun. You must be feeling confident.
Doctor : Never carry one. Causes my pockets to bulge,
ruins the cut of my coat.
Grant : How did you get onto me? Thought I'd managed to
cover my tracks quite carefully.
Doctor : I'm sorry but I haven't the faintest idea what
you're talking about.
Grant : Oh come off it, I know you're the police!
Barton : There you are mistaken sir-
Grant : Shut up! You must be the police, otherwise the
computer would have reported your presence.
Doctor : I'm afraid the logic of that statement defeats
Barton : The police often carry devices to confuse the
sensors of survellance computers, sir. It allows them to abuse their authority
by entering prohibited areas undetected.
Doctor : When you searched me did you find such a device?
Grant : No. So why didn't the computer report you?
Doctor : I think that's a question best put to her. That
is after you've explained why you were so keen to see me dead.
5. The ducting
Seedle : You know Snatch, I think we've uncovered a den
of iniquity here. When we've sorted this little lot out, there could be
promotion all 'round.
Peri : Well, apart from falling on your friend here, what
else am I supposed to have done?
Snatch : Several important art treasures have been stolen
from various planets this ship has visited. We are looking for the person or
Peri : And you're still denying you're policemen?
Seedle : It's your credentials that are in question miss,
Peri : Alright, have it your own way, but I have nothing
to do with the theft of any art treasures
Seedle : Really miss? Then it won't distress you to know
that we are in possession of a gangmember's name.
Peri : Well if you know who this man is, why don't you go
to the Captain?
Seedle : Heh, hardly miss, he may be involed in the crime
Snatch : Tell her the name sir, we'll know if she's
Seedle : I think for once you could be right lad. The
name is Shellingborne Grant.
Doctor : Well Mr Grant, it's fortunate for you I am not a
policeman, neither am I particullary concerned by your petty activities, I'll
leave that to the proper authorities.
Grant : A somewhat pompous statement considering I still
have the gun.
Doctor : I don't care, I have more important things to
Grant : Like what?
Doctor : Someone on board this ship is illegally
experimenting with time.
Grant : Can't be, impossible.
Doctor : It's a fact. Now who might possess the necessary
Grant : No-one, apart from the engineering staff who are
drunk most of the time. The only scientific members of the crew are
anthropologists, geologists, that sort of thing.
Doctor : Are you sure?
Grant : This is a census ship. We're making a galactic
survey of all the known inhabited planets. How else d'you think I got close
enough to steal priceless works of art?
Doctor : Could be there on official business.
7. The ducting
Seedle : Come on miss.
Peri : I don't know who this Shellingborne Grant is.
Seedle : Then tell me the name of this Doctor.
Peri : I don't know that either! How many times must I
Seedle : How miss can you speak to someone on a regular
basis without knowing their name?
Peri : I only know him as 'the Doctor', he's always
maintained I wouldn't be able to pronounce his name.
Seedle : This is indeed a man of mystery.
Peri : Well what does it matter? He isn't Shellingborne
Seedle : But how can you be certain miss, paticulary as
he refuses to tell you his name?
Peri : Because he doesn't lie!
Seedle : Such perversion, I'm beginning to find this all
a bit strange Snatch.
Snatch : I think we should look further sir, he can't
have got far.
(A regular thumping sound. It stops)
Doctor : There has to be someone on board capable of time
experiments. Think man, think!
Grant : I am thinking!
Doctor : The drone. Are you still functioning? Come on,
don't expire yet!
(The Doctor kicks the drone)
Doctor : Oh.
Barton : I do beg you pardon sir, I was composing my
Doctor : Where were you supposed to take me?
Barton : The Solar Lounge sir, I always collect two for
afternoon tea at about this time sir.
Grant : Oh he's rambling.
(The Doctor kicks Barton.)
Doctor : Come on! Hang on to your memory circuits! What's
the name of this ship?
Grant : The Vipod Mor.
Doctor : Drone, where were you taking me?
Barton : To the next level sir. A specially concealed
compartment has been constructed to hide you sir.
Doctor : Location?
Barton : Near bulkhead door 681, sir.
Grant : There is such bulkhead.
Doctor : We're getting somewhere at last. And who gave
you these instructions?
Barton : the source of all my orders sir. The computer.
Doctor (to Grant) : Come on, I want to have
a look at this room.
9. The ducting
Snatch : This ducting goes on forever sir.
Seedle : And you have a knack of stating the obvious
Snatch : Sorry sir.
Peri : Well here's another dilemma for you: stairs. Do we
go up or down?
Seedle : Well these aren't the stairs we came up, are
Snatch : No sir, they were at the other end of the
(Barton faintly moans)
Snatch (whispering) : What's that?
Seedle : I think we should investigate.
Snatch : It could be a trap sir.
Seedle : Villains poised to pounce rarely advertise their
Snatch : Sorry sir.
Seedle (to Barton) : Now then, may I
enquire what you are doing, lurking on the stairs in such a disorderly manner?
Barton : Hello boys! (notices Peri) I do beg your
Peri : Oh don't bother about me, I'm just one of the
Snatch : He's been damaged by gunfire sir.
Seedle : Really? (to Barton) And what have you
been up to?
Barton : It's no fun being a service maintainance drone
Seedle : Nah, we'll get no sense from him. Put the thing
out of it's misery.
Snatch : Just a moment sir. (to Barton) Who did
this to you?
Barton : A laser pistol.
Snatch : I said who, not what.
Barton : A fight.
Snatch : Between whom?
Barton : Me, Doctor, Grant.
Seedle : Doctor Grant eh?
Peri : That isn't true.
Seedle (To Peri) : Shut up! (To
Barton) And where is Doctor Grant now?
Barton : Next... level... down...
Doctor : Here we are.
Grant : I can't see anything.
Doctor : There. That fine line is the edge of the door.
Ah! This must be the opening mechanism.
(Bleeping of buttons being pressed. The door opens.)
Doctor : You wait here, I'd better go in alone.
Grant : Leave the door open, y-you know, just in case.
Doctor : Hello? Hellooo?
Computer : Well hello there! I hope you like your room.
Doctor : Very tasteful.
(The door closes.)
Doctor : Wha.
Computer : Sorry about that, there was a terrible draft,
I'd hate if you catch a chill after all the trouble I've gone to to get you
(A throbbing noise can be heard.)
Doctor : Why, that noise?
Computer : You heard it in a dream not long ago. (the
Computer voice changes to that of the Main Comp) A voice calling to you
(The throbbing begins to slowly intensify)
Doctor : That's right (The throbbing begins to affect
him.) Huh? W-w-what's happening? D-you're hurting me! A-ah!
Main Comp : Thought transference, Doctor. I'm inside your
(The throbbing begins to really build up.)
Doctor : I can't stand the pain. Your presence is too
Main Comp : I am only interested in your knowledge
concerning time travel. Your personal secrets are safe.
(The throbbing is loud and fast)
Doctor : Y-you must reduce you presence.
Main Comp : Co-operate and the pain will cease!
(The throbbing reaches it's maximum level.)
Doctor : You don't understand! you're des-troying me!
You're destroying my miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiind!
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6th February 2001