THE HAPPINESS PATROL
BY GRAEME CURRY
1. Streets of Terra Alpha. Night.
As the episode credit is shown, we see dark streets painted in 'happy'
colours. A woman, DAPHNE S, comes down the street, in a dark trenchcoat. She
is a melancholy looking woman with yellow hair and premature wrinkles and
bulbous eyes, rather like a woman bloodhound. She sits down on a bench. A man
in a dark coat like hers appears arpound a corner, slightly plump and
weaselly. This is SILAS P. He hisses to get her attention.
SILAS P: Psst !! Do you want to talk about it ?
DAPHNE S: I don't talk to strangers.
SILAS P: Perhaps I can help.
DAPHNE S: I didn't ask for any.
SILAS P: You know you shouldn't sit here. It's dangerous.
DAPHNE S: I don't care anymore. Let them get me.
SILAS P: You don't have to face your suffering alone, you know.
DAPHNE S: What do you mean ? (Silas P sits down behind her, then looks left
and right to make sure of no eavesdropping)
SILAS P: There's a place. A secret place. Where some of us gather to
indulge their depressions, to share their miseries, with other killjoys like
you and me.
DAPHNE S: I'm not a killjoy !
SILAS P: That's what they would call you. You interested ?
DAPHNE S: Perhaps.
SILAS P: Oooh, it changed my life. Here, my card. Here, take it !
(Daphne reads it)
DAPHNE S: "Silas P"
SILAS P: (Grinning) Other side !
DAPHNE S: (As she reads it, Silas's demeanour changes to triumphant and he
leaps off the bench) But it says...
SILAS P: "Happiness Patrol, Undercover" !!! Time to get really depressed
Daphne turns around, shocked by this betrayal. Six or seven women in beige
clothing, white face-makeup and purple-pink wigs come down the street, with
stupid-looking but menacing guns. The senior woman, DAISY K, speaks to Daphne
DAISY K: Have a nice death !
(The patrol raise the guns)
2. Forum square.
The TARDIS materialises in an auditorium. The Doctor and Ace step out.
ACE: How about a triceratops ?
DOCTOR: A three-horned dinosaur with a mouth like a beak ? The Brigadier
saw one in the London Underground once.
ACE: And a tyrranosaurus rex ?
DOCTOR: Met quite a few actually.
ACE: Any pterodactyls ?
DOCTOR: Lots of pterodactyls ! We should make a visit sometime.
ACE: To Earth in the Upper Cretaceous ? Wicked !
DOCTOR: A very good time for dinosaurs !
ACE: I love dinosaurs ! (Then she notices the bland, 'uplifting' music from
a nearby speaker) But I hate that. Liff music !! Where are we, Professor
DOCTOR: A planet, an Earth colony settled some time in your future. Do you
like it ?
DOCTOR: No, neither do I. Why not ?
ACE: Too phony. Too happy !
DOCTOR: Yes, I've been hearing disturbing rumours about Terra Alpha. So I
thought I'd better look in some time.
ACE: So tonight's the night ?
DOCTOR: Tonight's the night. I've been hearing rumours of something evil,
and we're going to get to the bottom of it !
3. Happiness Patrol HQ
We see a BCU of a badge being stuck to the shoulder of a pink boiler suit.
It turns out that Silas P is recieving a badge from Terra Alpha's ruler, HELEN
A, a sharp-faced middle aged woman with a red wig and reddish-brown clothes.
HELEN A: Your third badge, Silas P ! 45 killjoys to your credit ! I'm very
SILAS P: I'm glad that you're happy ma'am, but it is actually 47 !
HELEN A: I do the counting, thank you, Silas P.
SILAS P: Sorry ma'am.
HELEN A: Still, I like your initiative, your enterprise. I'll see that you
SILAS P: I might mean for the top .
HELEN A: Not quite the very top, Silas P ?
Silas P has clearly overstepped the mark.
4. Streets of Terra Alpha.
A rather incongrous man, a thin face bereaucrat in old fashioned clothes
including a dark coat and a bowler hat and yellow necktie, is in the
background. This is TREVOR SIGMA. Ace and the Doctor enter the street, music
ACE: Professor, this music is winding me up !
DOCTOR: Yes, it makes you wonder how the natives stand it.
ACE: I don't see any natives.
The Doctor spots Trevor, who comes over to them.
DOCTOR: Here comes one now !
TREVOR: Name ?
ACE: Ace !
TREVOR: No nicknames, aliases, pseudonyms, nom-de-plumes . Real name !
ACE: It is my real name ! Tell him Professor !
DOCTOR: What's in a name ?
Trevor is clearly not convinced.
TREVOR: (To Ace, sternly) I could report you for that !
ACE: Can you smell something, Professor ?
DOCTOR: Now that you come to mention it. (Ace goes off) You will have to
forgive my young friend, Ace, Mr, um, er you didn't tell me your name.
TREVOR: You're right, I didn't give it to you, but I don't have to. I'm on
official business from Galactic Centre.
DOCTOR: How do I know you're telling the truth.
TREVOR: Here, my identification.
DOCTOR: Thank you, "Trevor Sigma". Actually, my nickname at collge was
TREVOR : No nicknames !!
5. Forum square
Daisy K and another part of the Happiness Patrol come into the square where
the TARDIS landed in a vehicle like an aesthetic mix of a 4-whell drive and a
go-kart from a scrap heap. They go to the TARDIS with tins of paint.
DAISY K: Right. Over there. This way !
They start to paint.
6. Streets of Terra Alpha
The Doctor and Ace are looking at the chair Daphne S was formerly in.
DOCTOR: Well ?
ACE: Bullet holes.
DOCTOR: Yes, there is evil on Terra Alpha, and we've got to put a stop to
ACE: How long ?
DOCTOR: Tonight !
ACE: Won't that be dangerous ?
DOCTOR: Of course.
ACE: Right, where do we start ?
DOCTOR: First, we get ourselves arrested.
7. Forum Square
The TARDIS has been painted pink by the Patrol. Ace and the Doctor come in.
ACE: Professor, what have they done !!
DOCTOR: Yes, looks good actually.
Daisy K comes up to them and levels her gun.
DAISY K: You look unhappy about something.
DOCTOR: No, not really, just admiring your handywork. Miserable looking
DAISY K: Our thoughts exactly. (to Ace) And you ? Are you happy ?
DOCTOR: I would say she is, given the deeply distressing nature of some
fundamental universal truths.
DAISY K: What do you mean ?
DOCTOR: She's happy and I'm happy.
ACE : (pointing to Daisy K's weapon) Can't you afford a real gun ? (Daisy K
promptly fires the gun at a loudspeaker: it blows up) Gordon Bennet !
DAISY K: I'm glad you're happy, but what are you doing here ? You don't
look like locals ! In fact you look like killjoys !
ACE: What's a killjoy ?
DAISY K: Alright, you must be from off-world. In future stay within the
specified tourist zones !
ACE: What ?
DAISY K: You're free to go!
ACE: You're not going to arrest us ?
DAISY K: I don't see why !
ACE: Doctor, they're not going to arrest us !
ACE: What ?
DOCTOR: Yes, I believe all visitors are issued badges at customs.
DAISY K: Yes. (to Ace) Where're your badges ?
ACE: I've got badges
DOCTOR: She's got badges.
ACE: This one's for top of Everest.
DAISY K: Not interested. (to Doctor) Where're your badges ?
DOCTOR: (After futile searching and with mock worry..) Oh dear. I've seemed
to lost them.
DAISY K: He is obviously a spy and she is his accomplice. He will disappear
and she will audition for the Happiness Patrol !
DOCTOR: What do you mean ?
DAISY K: You're under arrest !
ACE: Phew ! About time !
8. Helen A's living room.
On a television screen, it shows an image of Daphne S screaming, then
falling out of view as the Happiness Patrol's guns ring out. A rather spacious
and luxurious office-like living room, in the style of a fashion designer is
the location. In a chair and getting anxious about the events on the video is
a small middle-aged man with a senile yet imposing air. But this is decieving,
as he's clearly shocked by his wife's cruelty. He is JOSEPH C, Helen A's
husband. Helen A enters.
HELEN A: What are you watching, dear ?
JOSEPH C: It's a videotape, dear, something called "Routine Disappearance
HELEN A : Turn that off, dear, that's for my eyes only.
JOSEPH C: (complies) Oh well...
HELEN A: And besides, you're missing my broadcast.
Joseph C turns it to the broadcast. Helen A (pre-recorded) appears.
HELEN A: (broadcast) And finally, Joseph C and I wish to thank you for your
stirling work in catching the killjoys.
Joseph makes as if to leave, but Helen A stops him
HELEN A: Sit down my dear, you may find this instructive.
HELEN A: (broadcast) Remember, keep smiling. Happiness will prevail !
Which, of course, is right in the long run, elsewhere than Terra Alpha !
9. Waiting zone 1
The Doctor and Ace are lead to a closed of area with a line close to Forum
Square. A woman about as old as Daisy K and with a more smoother face and
totally pink and white wig stands guard. This is PRISCILLA P. A lonely plump,
short and sad faced man plays on a "poker" machine. This is HAROLD V.
ACE: I thought we were arrested. I thought we were going to prison.
The Doctor sees Harold and offers some advice.
DOCTOR: Hold the two bananas and nudge. Never fails.
ACE: Oh well, can't win them all.
HAROLD V: That's all right, I don't like to win anymore.
ACE: Why not ?
HAROLD V: First of all, I'm a killjoy. And secondly, I don't like the prize
DOCTOR: What is the prize ?
Harold wins a game.
HAROLD V: You're about to find out.
The front panel of the machine dissolves in a swirl of light. Helen A's
image appears on it.
HELEN A: Congratulations and well played ! Here is your prize joke ! Did
you hear about the killjoy who won an outing with the Happiness Patrol ? He
was tickled to death ! (tinned laughter) Enjoy yourself.
The machine's front resolves.
DOCTOR: I see what you mean. The delivery's terrible.
HAROLD V: The joke's not much good either.
DOCTOR: You're right. It's tastless, smug, and worst of all it's badly
constructed, I mean, who writes that stuff ?
HAROLD V: I wrote it !
ACE: YOU wrote it ?
HAROLD V: That's right. I used to be her gag writer, when I was Harold F.
Then my brother disappeared. I heard of other disappearences. They caught me
in the rocket port zone, trying to contact Terra Omega, and they put me in
here and regeraded me to Harold V. (points to the "V" on his shoulder of his
boiler suit, then gives a smile to the watching Priscilla P that would have
looked better on a gerbil. Then he continues playing)
ACE: But why are we being kept here ? Why don't we just leave ?
The Doctor walks up to Priscilla P.
DOCTOR: Excuse me ?
PRISCILLA P: Yeesss ?
She gives a sweet smile that looks better on a person taking cyanide.
DOCTOR: Is this a prison ?
PRISCILLA P: A prison ? Of course not ! This is the Waiting Zone. We don't
have any prisons on Terra Alpha, miserable places !
DOCTOR: So what you're saying that this isn't a place of incarceration, and
we're free to go if we wish ?
PRISCILLA P: (losing the cheerful tone) Well, yes and no. This isn't a
prison... (as the Doctor walks up to a red and white striped line, her tone
solidifies) but cross that line, and you're a dead man.
She emphasises that point by waving a deadly 'bubble gun'. The Doctor, as
he turns away, gives her a calm look.
10. Execution yard.
What looks like a party in a courtyard with a sluice behind a table and a
pitted metal tube suspended over the table. Four members of the Happiness
Patrol are there, and three more, accompanied by Joeseph C and Daisy K, escort
a prisoner onto the table. The prisoner, ANDREW X, is a tall thin man in a
black overall and has a moustache. He is Harold V's brother. Joseph C shakes
Daisy K's hand.
JOSEPH C: Congratulations. (to Andrew X) Bad luck, old man. Still, we have
to be fair. Wouldn't treat you otherwise.
11. Waiting zone 1
The opening shot tracks up to Priscilla P's face, then cuts to the trio at
the gag machine.
DOCTOR: So what you're telling me is that Helen A punches people for
wearing dark clothes ?
HAROLD V: That's right. It also goes for listening to slow music, and
reading poems. Unless they're limericks, of course.
DOCTOR: This is terrible !
HAROLD V: Walking in the rain too, if you're on your own and don't carry an
ACE: Why don't people stand up to her ?
HAROLD V: The people are scared !
DOCTOR: Remember the Happiness Patrol, Ace !
ACE: Bunch of ratbags !
DOCTOR: Ratbags with guns !
HAROLD V: The Happiness Patrol are the nice side of her regime ! Do you
know who the Kandyman is, Doctor ?
DOCTOR: Sounds rather sweet.
HAROLD V: He's dangerous ! He's doing experiments, and that's why we're
here. He needs guinea pigs: guinea pigs like you and me !
ACE: What sort of experiments ?
HAROLD V: Can't find out.
DOCTOR: What else does he do, this Kandyman ?
HAROLD V: He makes sweets.
12. Helen A's office.
Helen A in an office just off her living room. She is seated at a desk with
a control panel. A plump man who takes obvious pleasure in every word he says
enters. This is GILBERT M.
GILBERT M: You wanted to see me ma'am ?
HELEN A: Just curiousity. I wanted to know what the Kandyman had cooked up
for us tonight ?
GILBERT M: It's a 'fondant surprise'.
Helen A just can't believe this.
HELEN A: Flavour ?
GILBERT M: Strawberry.
HELEN A: Delicious ! My favourite.
13. Waiting zone 1
ACE: So you reckon the Kandyman's the one behind all the disappearances ?
HAROLD V: One of the ones. There are 3 ways to disappear on Terra Alpha.
The Late Show at the Forum, a visit to the Kandy Kitchen, and something else.
ACE: What sort of something else ?
HAROLD V: I don't know. Rumour has it that Helen A prefers the firing
14. Execution yard.
Joseph C reads from a scroll.
JOSEPH C: It says here, that you have been "found guilty of an ostentatious
display of public grief" ? Oh dear !
DAISY K: PATROL !!!
The Patrol memebers raise their guns.
JOSEPH C: And so you have been sentenced to the severest penalty decreed by
Helen A !
DAISY K: PATROL, DISMISS !
As the Patrol goes off, Andrew X thinks he has been pardoned, however, the
metal tube descends over his head as Helen A pushes a button.
15. Kandy Kitchen
A bizarre mix of a laboratory, a kitchen and a factory. Pipes and ovens
dominate the room with gears at the top. The Kandyman is even more bizarre,
with a chocalate freckle with blue 100's and 1000's for a head with spinning
eyes. A barley sugar with electronics revealed forms his torso. A liquourice
allsort is his lower torso and his feet are marshmallows. His limbs are made
of various sweets. He notices the red light buzzing away in the wall and
stomps to a set of levers which he pulls. The gears start to move and the
pipes fill with fondant surprise.
An anlogue light display shows it's progress to the Kandyman.
16. Execution yard.
The tube starts to lift, and Andrew X is revealed with red goop covering
him. He has been smothered by it. Joseph C approaches the dripping table.
JOSEPH C: The fondant supreme !
More Coming Later!
TRANSCRIPT BY KRIS