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By David Agnew
(alias Douglas Adams with Graham Williams)
(From a story line by David Fisher)

Running time : 24 : 25
First shown 29/09/1979

1. A planet

(On a bare rocky planet sits a large grey spaceship. Four long legs hold it high above the ground. Inside sits a humanoid figure, but it has one eye in the middle of its forehead and has a head which looks as if it is covered in masses of green-coloured string. This is SCAROTH.)

VOICE: Mighty Solex to warp thrust.
SCAROTH: Confirmed.
VOICE: Thrust against planet's surface set to power three?
SCAROTH: Negative, power three too severe.
VOICE: Scaroth, it must be power three. It must be.
SCAROTH: Warp thrust from planet's surface is untested and power there is suicide. Advised.
VOICE: The Jagaroth are in your hands. Without secondary drive we must use our main warp thrust. You know this, Scaroth. It is our only hope. You are our only hope.
SCAROTH: And I am the only one directly in warp field. I know the dangers.
VOICE: Three, two, one...
SCAROTH: What will happen if...
VOICE: Full power!

(The middle of the spaceship starts turning as the space craft slowly starts to rise. The legs start to fold into the centre. Then it starts to shake and glow.)

VOICE: Scaroth! The fate of the Jagaroth is with you! Scaroth! Scaroth! You are our only hope! Our only hope! Scaroth! Scaroth! Scaroth!

(With a small bang, the spaceship explodes in a shower of light.)

2. The Eifel Tower, Paris

(THE DOCTOR and his companion ROMANA stand on the top of the Eifel Tower in Paris looking down at view below.)

DOCTOR: (OOV) Nice, isn't it?
ROMANA: (OOV) Yes, marvellous.
DOCTOR: (OOV) Marvellous, absolutely.
ROMANA: (OOV) Absolutely marvellous.
DOCTOR: (OOV) Well, I think it's marvellous.
ROMANA: (OOV) So do I. Though it's not quite as you described it.
DOCTOR: (OOV) Really? How did I describe it?
ROMANA: (OOV) You said it was nice!
DOCTOR: It's the only place in the world where one can relax entirely.
ROMANA: Mmm! That bouquet!
DOCTOR: What Paris has an ethos. It has a life. A...
ROMANA: A bouquet?
DOCTOR: A spirit all of its a white wine. It has...
ROMANA: A bouquet?
DOCTOR: It has a bouquet. Yes. Like a good wine. You'd have to choose one of the vintage years of course.
ROMANA: What year is this?
DOCTOR: Ah well, yes... it's 1979 actually. More of a table wine, shall we say. Huh! The randomiser's a useful device, but it lacks true discrimination. Should we sip it and see?
ROMANA: Ooh! I'd be delighted. Shall we take the lift or fly?
DOCTOR: Lets not be ostentatious.
ROMANA: Alright. Lets fly then.
DOCTOR: That would look silly. We'll take the lift. Come on.

3. A French Station

(A train pulls into a small station. On both sides of the platform people with suitcases wait. The door opens and inside are ROMANA and the DOCTOR.)

ROMANA: Where are we going?
DOCTOR: Are you talking philosophically or geographically?
ROMANA: Philosophically.
DOCTOR: Then we're going to lunch!

(He laughs to himself.)

DOCTOR: I know a little place that has a wonderful bouillabaisse. Do you like bouillabaisse?
ROMANA: Mmm! Bouillabaisse, yum yum!

(The train passes the Eifel Tower then stops at another station. The DOCTOR and ROMANA get off. They look around and the DOCTOR points to the right. They walk in that direction, ROMANA skips most of the way.)

4. In the town centre

(They run up the stairs leading out of the station and cross a busy road. They continue walking to the left.)

5. A quite path

(As the DOCTOR and ROMANA pass a poster on a brick wall, The Doctor suddenly stops, opens his mouth as if he is about to say something, but he doesn't and moves on. At the top of the poster is a large animal skull hovering above a rocky desert. In a box underneath are the words: 25 Janvier - 31 Mai, 1979, 3 Millions d'Années d'Adventure Humaines, Muséum National d'Histoire Naturelle.)

6. Another Road

(The DOCTOR and ROMANA cross another road, then a zebra crossing. In front of them is a small Cafe.)

7. A large house (exterior)

(On one side of the road is a very large house. On top is a glass window. The door is carved with shapes of screaming heads.)

8. Inside the house - A laboratory

(Around the room of a large laboratory are lots of machines and papers. There is the sound of voices and two men come down some stairs. One of them, PROFESSOR KERENSKY, is a small man dressed in white overalls and the other, COUNT SCARLIONI, the owner of the house, is dressed in a suit.)

KERENSKY: But I can see no further, Count. Research costs money. If you want the results, you must have the money!
SCARLIONI: I assure you, Professor, money is no problem.
KERENSKY: So you tell me, Count Scarlioni. So you tell me everyday: money is no problem.

(He picks up a piece of paper.)

KERENSKY: What do you want me to do about these equipment invoices? Shall I write "no problem" on them and send them back?
SCARLIONI: Will a million francs ease the immediate cash-flow situation?

(The Count takes out of his pocket a bundle of notes. He drops them on the desk in front of PROFESSOR KERENSKY.)

KERENSKY: Yes, Scarli, that will help at the moment, but I will shortly need a great deal more.
SCARLIONI: Of course, Professor, of course. Nothing must stand in the way of the work.

(Another man comes down the stairs. He is dressed in black and has grey hair and beard. This is HERMANN.)

HERMANN: Your Excellency?
SCARLIONI: (OOV) Ahh, Hermann, that game thrower didn't fetch enough. I think we'll have to sell one of the bibles.
SCARLIONI: Yes, the Gutenberg.
HERMANN: May I suggest we tread more carefully sir? It would not be in our best interest to draw too much attention to ourselves - another rash of...priceless treasures on the market.
SCARLIONI: Yes, I know, Hermann. I know. Just sell it discreetly.
HERMANN: Discreetly Sir? Sell a Guttenberg Bible discreetly?
SCARLIONI: Well, as discreetly as possible. Just do it, will you?

(Hermann nods and turns away.)

HERMANN: Yes, sir. Of course, sir.
SCARLIONI: Good, Professor. Excellent. I hope we are now ready to start the next test on our equipment.

(The Professor is looking through a microscope. He holds two fingers in the air.)

KERENSKY: Yes. In two minutes, Count. Just two minutes.

9. The Cafe

(Inside the cafe, the DOCTOR is reading a book on France. He and ROMANA are sitting round a red and white checked table. They are not the only people there.)

ROMANA: Any good?
DOCTOR: Not bad. A bit boring in the middle. Don't move! You might spoil a priceless work of art!

(On another table, someone is sketching ROMANA.)

DOCTOR: Don't look!
ROMANA: What is he doing?
ROMANA: (Whispering) What's he...?
DOCTOR: He's sketching you.
ROMANA: Is he?

(She suddenly turns round. The artist drops the pen he was holding and screws up the piece of paper he was working on and angrily throws it on the floor. He glares at ROMANA and goes.)

DOCTOR: I told you not to look.
ROMANA: I just wanted to see.
DOCTOR: No, well it's too late now. He's gone.
ROMANA: Pity. I wonder what he thought I looked like.
DOCTOR: Well, he threw it down there. Have a look.

(ROMANA leans down to pick up the paper, then there is a strange sound and the artist appears back on his chair, holding the pen and paper. He is again sketching ROMANA.)

ROMANA: What is he doing?
ROMANA: (Whispering) What's he...?
DOCTOR: He's sketching you.
ROMANA: Is he?

(She suddenly turns round. The artist drops the pen he was holding and screws up the piece of paper he was working on and angrily throws it on the floor. He glares at ROMANA and goes.)

DOCTOR: I told you not to look.
ROMANA: I just wanted to see.
DOCTOR: No, well it's too late now. He's gone.
ROMANA: Pity. I wonder what he thought I looked like.
DOCTOR: Well, he threw it down there. Have a look.

(ROMANA leans down to pick up the paper, then there is a strange sound.)

ROMANA: What's going on?
DOCTOR: I don't know. It's as if time jumped a groove for a second.

(ROMANA picks up the paper.)

ROMANA: Lets have a look.

(She frowns and hands it to the DOCTOR.)

DOCTOR: For a portrait of a Time Lady, it's not a bad likeness.

(On the sheet of paper is a drawing of a broken clock face with ROMANA's features. Long hair runs down the side and on top is a hat.)

ROMANA: It's extraordinary!
DOCTOR: Yes, isn't it.
ROMANA: I wonder why he did it like that.
ROMANA: The face of the clock is fractured.
DOCTOR: Uh! Ha! Almost like a crack in time.

(He looks up slowly from the drawing.)

DOCTOR: A crack in time?
ROMANA: Lets sit outside.

(They stand up and leave the cafe.)

10. The Laboratory

KERENSKY: Time, Count. It will take time.

(The Professor examines a small black machine, watched by SCARLIONI.)

SCARLIONI: Time, time, time. Nevertheless a very impressive, if flawed, demonstration. I'm relying on you to make very fast progress now, Professor. The fate of many people is in our hands.
KERENSKY: Although we will have much to thank you for.
SCARLIONI: It will indeed Professor. It will indeed. How soon before we can start the next tests?
KERENSKY: The next one, Count? Well...
SCARLIONI: I want to see it today.
KERENSKY: Today, Count?
SCARLIONI: Yes, today!
KERENSKY: Count, I think this is wonderful work, but I do not understand this obsessive urgency!
SCARLIONI: Time, Professor. It is all a matter of time.

(PROFESSOR KERENSKY looks puzzled as SCARLIONI turns round and walks away.)

11. Outside the Cafe

DOCTOR: I think there's a matter with time. Did you feel anything?
ROMANA: Umm. Just a twinge. I didn't like it.
DOCTOR: Yes. Must be because I've crossed the time field so often. No one there seemed to notice anything. You and I exist in a special relationship of time, you know - perpetual outsider.
ROMANA: Don't be so portentous.
DOCTOR: Me? What do you make of that then?

(The DOCTOR unfolds the picture and looks at it again.)

ROMANA: Well, at least on Gallifrey we can capture a good likeness. Computers can draw.
DOCTOR: What? Computer pictures? You sit in Paris and talk of Computer Pictures? Listen. I'll take you somewhere and show you some real paintings painted by real people.
ROMANA: What about the time slip?
DOCTOR: Never mind about the time slip - we're on holiday! Come one!

(The two time travellers get up and start walking to the Louvre Art Gallery.)

12. Outside the Louvre

DOCTOR: Here we are, the Louvre. One of the greatest art galleries in the whole galaxy.
ROMANA: Nonsense! What about the Academia Stolraus on Sirius 5?
DOCTOR: Oh no.
ROMANA: Or the Solarium Panatica on Stricium?
ROMANA: Or the Braxiatel Collection?
DOCTOR: No, no, no. This is the gallery. The only gallery in the known universe with a picture like...

13. Inside the Louvre

(The DOCTOR and ROMANA are in a section of the gallery looking at the picture the DOCTOR came to see. Around them, people are looking at other paintings. There is a lady on a bench reading an information booklet, a guide giving a tour around the gallery and a man dressed in a long white coat. He seems to be watching them.)

DOCTOR: The Mona Lisa!
ROMANA: It's quite good.
DOCTOR: Quite! That's one of the great treasures of the universe and you say "quite"?
ROMANA: The world, Doctor, the world. Don't draw attention.
DOCTOR: What are you talking about?
ROMANA: Not "the universe" in public.
DOCTOR: I don't care! Look, it's one of the great treasures of the universe!

(Everybody seems to be watching them.)

DOCTOR: Go on, let them gawk, let them gape. What do I care!
ROMANA: Why hasn't she got any eyebrows?
DOCTOR: Is that all you can say - "no eyebrows"? We're talking about the Mona Lisa. It's the...

(There is the sound of a lady talking and the guide comes up. She is showing round a group of people.)

GUIDE: The Mona Lisa!
DOCTOR: (To Romana) You're right! She hasn't got any eyebrows!
GUIDE: A painting by Leonardo da Vinci in 1452.

(She sees the DOCTOR right in front of the painting, so she coughs politely.)

GUIDE: Excuse me, Monsieur?

(He swings round the opposite side to the GUIDE, but seeing no one there, swings back, hitting her.)

GUIDE: Oh, would you please move along. Other people wish to enjoy this picture.

(ROMANA comes up to the DOCTOR.)

ROMANA: What did she say?
DOCTOR: She said...

(There is a strange sound and time goes back.)

GUIDE: The Mona Lisa!
DOCTOR: (To Romana) You're right! She hasn't got any eyebrows!
GUIDE: A painting by Leonardo da Vinci in 1452.

(The GUIDE sees the DOCTOR right in front of the painting, so she coughs politely.)

GUIDE: Excuse me, Monsieur?

(He swings round the opposite side to the GUIDE, but seeing no one there, swings back, hitting her.)

GUIDE: Oh, would you please move along. Other people wish to enjoy this picture.

(The high pitched sound comes once again. ROMANA puts her hand to her head. The DOCTOR stumbles backwards past several people and collapses on the bench by the lady reading the booklet. The man in the long white coat takes charge.)

DUGGAN: Alright. Stand back. Stand back.

(He picks up the DOCTOR who has now fallen onto the floor.)

DUGGAN: Are you alright, sir?
DOCTOR: Yes. I just dented my head on your gun, that's all.
DUGGAN: What on earth is he...?
ROMANA: I think he's just having one of his funny turns.
DOCTOR: One of my funny turns? The whole world took a funny turn!
ROMANA: Come one.

(ROMANA pushes the DOCTOR away. DUGGAN watches them go, then follows. The lady nods to a man standing by the Mona Lisa. She looks round to see if anyone is watching.)

14. The Laboratory

SCARLIONI: Excellent, Professor. Excellent.
KERENSKY: An unfortunate side effect.
SCARLIONI: Not at all, Professor. The work progresses well. Now, I want you to find a way to vastly increase the time span.
KERENSKY: I-I-I'm not certain, Count! Einstein says...
SCARLIONI: I'm not paying Einstein, Professor. I'm paying you. Now continue with the work.
KERENSKY: You're stretching my limit, Count.
SCARLIONI: Only thus is true progress ever made. You, as a scientist, should be able to appreciate that.
KERENSKY: Oh, I do, Count, I do. I appreciate many things. I appreciate walks in the country. I appreciate sleep, regular meals...
SCARLIONI: (Talking to HERMANN) Hermann!
HERMANN: Yes, Excellency?
SCARLIONI: Would you please prepare for the Professor half a dozen Escargot Beurré followed by Notricot Bourgelais with Ariot Bair and Pomme Suite served directly here to the laboratory.
HERMANN: (Writing in notepad) Yes, Sir.
SCARLIONI: Oh, and a bottle of Chomberte. My own. Better make that half a bottle. (Turning to the Professor) Wouldn't want to interfere with the work, would we Professor?
KERENSKY: (Sulkily) Eh, Count...I would really like to get some sleep.

(SCARLIONI suddenly turns and calls back to HERMANN.)

SCARLIONI: Hermann, cancel the wine and bring in the vitamin pill. I shall be upstairs in my room.

15. Outside a postcard shop in street

(The DOCTOR and ROMANA walk along but, unknown to them, DUGGAN is following closely behind. When they stop to look at some postcards and then paintings, he stops also, then quickly hurries on. They sit down on a bench next to a river.)

ROMANA: Do you realise we're being followed?
DOCTOR: Yes. All the way from the Louvre by that idiot with the gun.
ROMANA: You did notice.
DOCTOR: Well of course I noticed!
ROMANA: Well, what do you think he wants?
DOCTOR: Look in your pockets.

(ROMANA turns to look in a pocket.)

DOCTOR: Other pocket!

(She turns to the other one and finds a metal bracelet inside it.)

ROMANA: What's this?
DOCTOR: The woman I bumped into was wearing it. Look at it.
ROMANA: It's a micro scanner!
DOCTOR: Someone's using it to get a complete report on all the alarm systems around the Mona Lisa.
ROMANA: Were they just trying to steal it?
DOCTOR: It's a pretty painting.
ROMANA: It is a very sophisticated device for a level 5 civilisation.
DOCTOR: That? That's never the product of Earth civilisation.
ROMANA: You mean it's aliens trying to steal the Mona Lisa.
DOCTOR: It is a very pretty painting, isn't it Romana?
DOCTOR: Do you know, I think something very funny is going on. You remember that man who was following us?
DOCTOR: Well he's standing behind me pointing a gun at my back.

(The DOCTOR and ROMANA stand up and are brought with their hands up into the same cafe.)

16. Cafe

DOCTOR: Two glasses of water - make them doubles.

(DUGGAN, ROMANA and the DOCTOR sit down at a table.)

17. A large room of Count Scarlioni's house

(SCARLIONI sits in a comfortable chair drinking a green-coloured drink while another lady, the COUNTESS SCARLIONI, is smoking.)

SCARLIONI: And then?
COUNTESS: I had this fool of a detective follow.
COUNTESS: Reasons.
SCARLIONI: Please don't play games.
COUNTESS: What else have I been doing all these years?
SCARLIONI: Following instructions. Go on.
COUNTESS: Well, this detective, Duggan, he stopped watching the painting and started watching me.
SCARLIONI: Oh! Shown a glimmering of intelligence at last. Perhaps we should deal with him. No. He's too stupid to bother us seriously.
COUNTESS: Funny that something else happened in front of the painting.
COUNTESS: Well, this tall man I'd never seen before fainted.
SCARLIONI: People are getting jumpy. He was probably overcome by your charms.
COUNTESS: Only that as he fell, he somehow managed to get the bracelet off my wrist.
SCARLIONI: (Very angrily) What!? And you let him?!
COUNTESS: I had no choice! It was a rush and confusion. It was well organised, I'm sure.
SCARLIONI: Right, that bracelet...
COUNTESS: We'll get it back. The matter is in hand even now.
SCARLIONI: I trust you will be...
COUNTESS: Discrete? Course.

18. Cafe

DOCTOR: What bracelet?

(A gun is focused on the DOCTOR's head. Two men in smart suits and black hats are standing by the group. One is aiming the gun. ROMANA hands over the bracelet and they leave quickly.)

ROMANA: Are you alright?
DOCTOR: Yes, I'm relaxing and enjoying Paris.
DUGGAN: Alright. That is enough. Very cleverly staged, but you don't fool me.
DOCTOR: What are you talking about?
DUGGAN: Your men who were in here just now.
DOCTOR: My men, those thugs?
DUGGAN: Your thugs.
DOCTOR: I don't think you noticed but he was pointing a gun at me. Anyone in my employ who behaved like that...I'd sack him on the spot!
DUGGAN: Except that I know that they arranged to hold you up as a bluff. You're trying to put me on a false scent.
DOCTOR: You're English, aren't you.
DOCTOR: (Calling) I thought I ordered two glasses of water.
DUGGAN: Listen...
DOCTOR: Doctor.

(A waiter places three cups of water on the table in front of them.)

DUGGAN: What's Scarlioni's angle?
DOCTOR: Scarlioni's angle? I've never heard of Scarlioni. (To ROMANA) Have you heard of Scarlioni?
ROMANA: No, I was never very good at geometry.
DOCTOR: Who's Scarlioni?
DUGGAN: Count Scarlioni! Everyone's heard of Count Scarlioni!
DOCTOR: Ah well, we've only just landed on Earth.
DUGGAN: Right. That's it. I give up! You're crazy!

(He marches towards the door.)

DOCTOR: Crazy enough to steal the Mona Lisa?

(DUGGAN turns round and comes back.)

DOCTOR: Or be interested in someone who might want to steal the Mona Lisa.

(DUGGAN takes a sip of his water and says nothing.)

19. A room in the Count's house

(The two men are there and have given the bracelet to COUNT SCARLIONI. Also in the room is HERMANN and the COUNTESS.)

SCARLIONI: Good. Thank you. You may go.

(The men leave and close the door behind them.)

SCARLIONI: But not good enough. (To HERMANN.) Kill them.
HERMANN: The detective and his friends, Excellency?
SCARLIONI: No, Hermann, those two fools.
HERMANN: (Smiling wickedly.) With pleasure, Excellency.
SCARLIONI: (To COUNTESS.) So, one was interested in you and the painting and the other this bracelet.
SCARLIONI: I would like to meet them.
COUNTESS: Of course. Just tell Hermann.
SCARLIONI: No, my dear. You tell Hermann.

20. Cafe

DUGGAN: So you can imagine the confusion. The whole art word in an uproar. Masterpieces that have apparently been missing over the centuries are just turning up all over the place!
DOCTOR: All fakes of course.
DUGGAN: They've got to be, haven't they. Haven't they?
ROMANA: Are they?
DUGGAN: They're very good ones. They stand up to every scientific test.
DOCTOR: What? And the only connection with this is the Count?
DUGGAN: Yes, though nothing dirty can be proved. He's clean. So clean he stinks.
DOCTOR: He isn't clean any more. The Countess has the bracelet.
DUGGAN: How much is that bracelet worth?
DOCTOR: Well, it depends on what you want to do with it. Uh oh.

(The two black-dressed men are back!)

DOCTOR: I think we're being invited to leave.

21. Another room in the Count's house

(The COUNTESS straightens her hair in a mirror then hears the sound of footsteps. She starts smoking and leans against the wall. HERMANN comes up, taps her on the shoulder and she jumps.)

HERMANN: You rang, my lady?
COUNTESS: Yes, Hermann. Where's the Count?
HERMANN: Down in the laboratory, my lady.
COUNTESS: With that Professor again?
HERMANN: No, my lady. Professor Kerensky is resting in his room.
COUNTESS: Thank you, Hermann.

22. Laboratory

(COUNT SCARLIONI is alone and he glances at his reflection in a mirror.)

23. Outside Laboratory

(The COUNTESS tries to open the door into the lab but it doesn't open.)

COUNTESS: Carlos! Carlos?

24. Laboratory

COUNTESS: (Heard from outside) Carlos?

(SCARLIONI reaches up to his head and grasps his skin, pulling at it. He rips the skin back revealing a mass of green and a large eye in the centre of his forehead...)

The Doctor


Count Scarlioni / Scaroth

Countess Scarlioni



Professor Kerensky

Louvre Guide


Incidental Music

Script Editor


Directed by

Transcribed by
Robert Dunlop

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