1: EXT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM
SARA: Something's gone wrong.
DOCTOR: What's the matter, my dear, hmm?
SARA: It's stopped going up and down.
STEVEN: That's alright. It means we've landed.
(The DOCTOR presses the scanner switch but the picture is blank.)
DOCTOR: (Tuts.) Dear, dear, dear, dear, dear! Yes, that scanner's not working. (Laughs.)
SARA: Can you mend it?
DOCTOR: Yes, can repair it, of course, but it means checking the whole circuit.
STEVEN: Right, let's get started.
(He puts his hand on the door control lever.)
DOCTOR: Dah, dah, dah, dah! Don't you dare touch anything!
STEVEN: Why not?
DOCTOR: Well, just look at those dials, my dear boy.
(He points at the dials on the console.)
(SARA joins them.)
DOCTOR: Look at those dials? Now, you know what that means? If either of you went outside, it would be extremely dangerous. The whole atmosphere is
2: EXT. STATION YARD (NIGHT)
(A SERGEANT comes out of the back door of a Police Station and stretches himself in the cold brick-lined yard. Snow lies on the ground.)
THE FEAST OF STEVEN
(His attention is suddenly caught...)
STATION SERGEANT: What in the name of...?
(...when he sees the shape of a new Police Box located just inside the gates to the yard.)
STATION SERGEANT: Who put that there?
(The SERGEANT speaks in a Liverpudlian accent. Two POLICEMEN, in their car, are singing simultaneously as they pull up into the yard.)
POLICEMEN: (Singing.) "When a poor man came in sight, gathering winter fu-el!"
(Then they laugh together. They are also Liverpudlians. The FIRST POLICEMAN is more portly than his colleague.)
FIRST POLICEMAN: Here, I reckon we'd charm the birds of the trees!
SECOND POLICEMAN: I'd settle for some from the coffee bars.
FIRST POLICEMAN: Here, what about 'While Shepherds Watch'? Do you think they'd appreciate that?
SECOND POLICEMAN: Hey, no, here's the Sergeant. Come on.
FIRST POLICEMAN: Oh...
(The POLICEMEN get out of their car and greet the STATION SERGEANT.)
SECOND POLICEMAN: Hello, Sergeant, what you doing out here?
STATION SERGEANT: Here, come and have a look at this.
(He leads the two POLICEMEN towards the new box.)
SECOND POLICEMAN: Well! Where did that come from?
STATION SERGEANT: You tell me.
FIRST POLICEMAN: (Cheerily.) Oh, perhaps somebody sent it to the Inspector as a Christmas box!
(The SERGEANT is not amused by this flippancy.)
STATION SERGEANT: And perhaps you'll both just stay out here and watch it?
SECOND POLICEMAN: Why? Do you think it's gonna to fly away?
STATION SERGEANT: Just you stay there and keep an eye on it - right?
(The SERGEANT goes back inside the station, leaving two disgruntled officers behind...)
3: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM
(The DOCTOR is preparing to leave the TARDIS, much to STEVEN'S annoyance...)
STEVEN: And just why, if it isn't safe for us, is it safe for you?
DOCTOR: Will neither of you understand?
SARA: For heaven's sake, let's go and fix the scanner!
DOCTOR: No! Where you come from, in both places, the air is pure. Outside there is the worst kind of pollution I've met in years!
STEVEN: Right then, you shouldn't go out there either.
DOCTOR: Oh, my dear boy, I'm used to all sorts of atmospheres. It won't affect me. I shall have to go out and do the repairing myself.
SARA: But suppose something happens to you?
DOCTOR: Then, and only then, can you come out. But you must be very, very careful because...
STEVEN: (Interrupts.) And just how are we supposed to know that something has happened to you?
DOCTOR: My dear young man, just give me a few minutes and, if all is well, I shall be back inside again to tell you.
STEVEN: And if not, we come out and find you? I seem to have been through all this before!
DOCTOR: (Annoyed.) Now, look here, my boy - you will do as you're told!
(STEVEN sighs and gives up.)
DOCTOR: Now, you just open the doors...and remember to close them after I've gone.
STEVEN: (Sarcastically.) Yes, sir!
(The DOCTOR walks towards the doors.)
4: EXT. STATION YARD (NIGHT)
(In the street outside, a group of children can be heard singing the Christmas carol "The First Noel". The DOCTOR pokes his head out of the TARDIS
door and sees the POLICEMEN looking bored with their new duty. The FIRST POLICEMAN turns, sees him and automatically politely intones...)
FIRST POLICEMAN: Good evening.
DOCTOR: Good evening.
(The FIRST POLICEMAN, startled, suddenly realises that the DOCTOR came from inside the box.)
FIRST POLICEMAN: Hey, you!
(The DOCTOR ducks back into the TARDIS and closes the door.)
FIRST POLICEMAN: Uh?!
(The SECOND POLICEMAN runs over to his friend a short distance away.)
SECOND POLICEMAN: What's up?
FIRST POLICEMAN: See that?
SECOND POLICEMAN: See what?
(The FIRST POLICEMAN, somewhat flustered, points at the TARDIS door.)
FIRST POLICEMAN: That then!
SECOND POLICEMAN: What when?
FIRST POLICEMAN: That door!
SECOND POLICEMAN: That door?
FIRST POLICEMAN: It opened!
SECOND POLICEMAN: Did it?
FIRST POLICEMAN: There's a bloke in there.
SECOND POLICEMAN: (Unconvinced.) Oh, aye.
FIRST POLICEMAN: That bloke with a...with...with long white hair. I just saw him!
SECOND POLICEMAN: Did ya?
FIRST POLICEMAN: Aye.
(The SECOND POLICEMAN goes up to the door and tries to open it.)
SECOND POLICEMAN: It's locked.
FIRST POLICEMAN: But, I've just saw him!
SECOND POLICEMAN: (Unconvinced.) Oh, aye!
5: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM
(The DOCTOR is explaining to SARA what he saw...)
DOCTOR: No - police. P...O...L...I...C...E.
SARA: Oh, I see. We've landed on your own planet.
DOCTOR: Oh, nonsense child. We're back on Earth.
SARA: (Puzzled.) But...that's what's written outside the TARDIS?
(The DOCTOR laughs in amusement.)
DOCTOR: Never mind, never mind! I shall have to go outside and try and distract them. Meanwhile, you can stay here for a while, then come out and do the
STEVEN: Yes, but, you said the air out there was so bad, that if we came out...
DOCTOR: (Interrupts.) Never mind what I said, my dear boy - do as you're told. Now open the doors and remember to open them and shut them after
(As the DOCTOR heads for the doors again, STEVEN tries to keep his temper...)
STEVEN: Yes, sir!
6: EXT. STATION YARD (NIGHT)
(The DOCTOR peers out of the TARDIS, and as he exits, the two POLICEMEN grab him from either side of the TARDIS, behind which they had just been hiding.)
SECOND POLICEMAN: It wouldn't be Father Christmas would it?
FIRST POLICEMAN: All right, lad, it's a fair cop.
7: INT. POLICE STATION. FRONT DESK (NIGHT)
(Inside the station, the STATION SERGEANT is back on duty at the front desk. Christmas decorations adorn the hall. The sound of a typewriter comes from the
back office. A little middle-aged MAN dressed in a mackintosh is on the other side of the heavy counter and the SERGEANT deals with him...)
STATION SERGEANT: Alright, what can I do for you?
(The little MAN speaks in a nasal tone and a Lancashire accent.)
MAN IN MACKINTOSH: I've got a complaint.
STATION SERGEANT: Well, the doctor's just round the corner.
MAN IN MACKINTOSH: No, no, no, no! I...I mean, I want to make a complaint.
STATION SERGEANT: Oh, I see.
(His pen poises over the pad on the counter.)
STATION SERGEANT: Well, let's have your name then.
(The little MAN leans forward and speaks in a dramatic and conspiratorial tone.)
MAN IN MACKINTOSH: They keep moving me 'ouse.
(The STATION SERGEANT looks up from his pad.)
STATION SERGEANT: Moving your what?
MAN IN MACKINTOSH: House!
STATION SERGEANT: "They" keep moving your house?
MAN IN MACKINTOSH: Yeah, me greenhouse. (Dramatically.) It's the revels.
STATION SERGEANT: The revels?
(The SECOND POLICEMEN walks in with the DOCTOR.)
SECOND POLICEMAN: Anyone in C.I.D.?
STATION SERGEANT: Aye, it's straight through.
SECOND POLICEMAN: Good. (To the DOCTOR.) Come on.
(He is about to lead the DOCTOR through but the old man stops and peers closely at the MAN IN MACKINTOSH.)
DOCTOR: Haven't I seen your face before somewhere, hmm?
MAN IN MACKINTOSH: Where?
DOCTOR: (Laughs.) Yes, of course, I remember now, yes - the market place at Jaffa.
(He laughs to himself. The POLICEMAN and the SERGEANT look at each other. The POLICEMAN leads the DOCTOR away.)
MAN IN MACKINTOSH: (Puzzled.) Jaffa?
(He turns back to the equally puzzled SERGEANT.)
MAN IN MACKINTOSH: The young chap said I should come to see you it.
STATION SERGEANT: Do what?
MAN IN MACKINTOSH: About me greenhouse. (Dramatically.) It's the revels!
8: EXT. STATION YARD (NIGHT)
(STEVEN peeks his head out of the TARDIS to see what is outside. He is about to head towards the police station when the FIRST POLICEMAN comes into view and
himself stands between the TARDIS and the doorway to the station. STEVEN quickly ducks down behind the police car.)
9: INT. POLICE STATION. DETECTIVE-INSPECTOR'S OFFICE (NIGHT)
(The DOCTOR is in the DETECTIVE-INSPECTOR'S office where the SECOND POLICEMAN has led him to be questioned. He stands to one side while the DOCTOR sits
before the balding DETECTIVE-INSPECTOR who taps his pen on the table rhythmically in an effort to intimidate the suspect. The DOCTOR merely coughs.)
DETECTIVE-INSPECTOR: I've heard of a housing shortage, but I never knew it was so bad you'd have to spend Christmas in a Police Box.
DOCTOR: (Surprised.) Oh, Christmas! Oh, is it? Of course, yes, yes, yes, yes! That accounts for the holly in the hall. (Laughs.)
DETECTIVE-INSPECTOR: You mean you didn't know?
DOCTOR: Well, of course I didn't know! I travel about too much.
DETECTIVE-INSPECTOR: And why is that?
DOCTOR: Well, a quest of knowledge, dear boy. I mean, you have a saying in this country, have you not, er... "travel broadens the mind"?
DETECTIVE-INSPECTOR: You mean you're not English?
DOCTOR: No, good gracious no!
DOCTOR: No. (Laughs.)
DETECTIVE-INSPECTOR: Are you Welsh, then?
DOCTOR: Oh, you'll have to think in a far bigger way than that! Your ideas are too narrow, too small, too crippled! (Laughs.)
DETECTIVE-INSPECTOR: All right, all right. What are you then?
DOCTOR: Well, I suppose you might say that I am a citizen of the universe...and a gentleman, to boot!
SECOND POLICEMAN: He's having us on a bit, in't he, sir?
DETECTIVE-INSPECTOR: (With great patience, to the DOCTOR.) Now, look lad...
10: EXT. STATION YARD (NIGHT)
(The FIRST POLICEMAN at last moves on and STEVEN is able to come out of hiding from behind the car. Unsure what to do, he looks in the police car and sees a
spare tunic on the back seat. He looks round to make sure that he is not observed and opens the car door...)
11: INT. POLICE STATION. FRONT DESK (NIGHT)
(At the front desk, the little MAN is still continuing with his story to the SERGEANT.)
MAN IN MACKINTOSH: And now they've been and gone and moved it again.
STATION SERGEANT: Oh, where to this time?
MAN IN MACKINTOSH: I don't know. That's why I came to see you. The young chap I said...
STATION SERGEANT: You're sure it's not out there along beside the...?
(Suddenly, he catches sight of STEVEN as he enters the police station in his "borrowed" uniform.)
STATION SERGEANT: Oh, here, just a minute.
(STEVEN nervously approaches the counter.)
STEVEN: Er, e...excuse me?
STATION SERGEANT: Ah, you must be the new bloke from 'G' Division, come to help us out?
STEVEN: I...I beg your pardon?
STATION SERGEANT: I say you must be the new bloke from 'G' Division?
STEVEN: Must I? Oh! Oh, yes.
(STEVEN suddenly adopts a Liverpudlian accent.)
STEVEN: Yes, that's right. Erm, yeah, I've, er, I've come about the old man.
STATION SERGEANT: Old man? What old man?
STEVEN: Well, he was brought in here a minute ago.
STATION SERGEANT: Oh, he's with C.I.D. You'd better wait till they're finished with him.
STEVEN: Ah, yeah, but I've got to get to him.
STATION SERGEANT: Well, you'll have to wait, lad. He'll be out here again soon. Now wait over there.
(He points to a bench which STEVEN sits on. The worried little MAN steps back up to the counter.)
MAN IN MACKINTOSH: Now, what about my greenhouse?
STATION SERGEANT: Oh, yes. Now where was this you said?
MAN IN MACKINTOSH: Well, for a start, it's not in me garden...
12: INT. POLICE STATION. DETECTIVE-INSPECTOR'S OFFICE (NIGHT)
(The DOCTOR'S interrogation continues...)
DOCTOR: I don't think you really understand. That object in the yard out there isn't really a police box.
DETECTIVE-INSPECTOR: (Sarcastically.) No, no, of course it's not. It's the New Brighton ferry.
DOCTOR: It is a machine for investigating Time And Relative Dimensions In Space. (Laughs.)
(The INSPECTOR looks at the SECOND POLICEMAN and they step away from the DOCTOR and quietly converse...)
SECOND POLICEMAN: He's a nutter.
DETECTIVE-INSPECTOR: He's straight from a funny-farm, if you ask me.
(But the DOCTOR overhears them...)
DOCTOR: Do I take it that you gentlemen are imputing that I am mentally deranged, mm? Mmm? Hmm!
(After seeing this display of pique, the SECOND POLICEMAN whispers to the senior officer...)
SECOND POLICEMAN: I told you - he's a nutter.
DETECTIVE-INSPECTOR: Is he the only bloke in the box?
SECOND POLICEMAN: Well, how should I know?
DETECTIVE-INSPECTOR: Well didn't you check? There might be a whole army of the...them in there, living like gypsies in one of Her Majesty's police
SECOND POLICEMAN: And just how many people would you expect to come out of one box?
13: EXT. STATION YARD (NIGHT)
(At that moment, SARA chooses to leave the TARDIS and looks around.)
SARA: Where have they got to?
(She looks up at the lamp on top of the police box wherein is contained the scanner eye. Suddenly, the FIRST POLICEMAN walks up to the strangely dressed
FIRST POLICEMAN: Hello, Hello. What are you doing hanging around here on Christmas Day?
(The secret agent from the future is unperturbed by the POLICEMAN.)
FIRST POLICEMAN: Surprised to see a police box here, I suppose?
(The sound of children singing "Good King Wenceslas" is heard from the street.)
SARA: Oh, you think it's yours?
FIRST POLICEMAN: Well, not mine exactly, but let's say it belongs to us, eh? Er, so why don't you leave it where it is and just move along, eh?
SARA: I've got to fix it.
FIRST POLICEMAN: Fix what?
SARA: The scanner eye.
FIRST POLICEMAN: The scanner eye?
FIRST POLICEMAN: Oh, you do?
FIRST POLICEMAN: Oh, well, we usually get the jokers around here at Christmas time, but we have to be lenient. So, er, just move along, eh?
SARA: I can't.
FIRST POLICEMAN: Oh yes, you can, young lady. That's enough of joking. I'm sure you're going to enjoy yourself at that party you're going to so why not
go down there now?
SARA: I'm not going to a party.
(The POLICEMAN casts another look at SARA'S uniform.)
FIRST POLICEMAN: Well, wherever you are going dressed up in them fancy clothes, you leave now and there won't be no trouble.
SARA: I've got to stay here.
FIRST POLICEMAN: Now you take my advice, young lady, and leave now. Otherwise, I might have to run you in for loitering or somethin' like that. I
wouldn't like to have to do that. We've had a bit of, er, trouble like that already tonight. You see, er, we don't like people hanging around. But at Christmas
time we have to be lenient, and we don't want to make it too difficult for you.
SARA: But... (Tuts.) Oh, very well.
(She heads for the exit from the yard. The POLICEMAN calls after her somewhat awkwardly.)
FIRST POLICEMAN: Have a...have a...have a swinging time!
(The Christmas carol singing in the background ends as the FIRST POLICEMAN watches SARA walk away.)
FIRST POLICEMAN: Funny girl...
(He goes inside the station and SARA comes back.)
SARA: The idiots! They've obviously got themselves into some kind of trouble.
14: INT. POLICE STATION. FRONT DESK (NIGHT)
(Still in his uniform, STEVEN nervously paces the front hall. The SERGEANT has at last got rid of the MAN IN MACKINTOSH and is writing on his pad. He looks
up annoyed at STEVEN'S pacing.)
STATION SERGEANT: Why won't you sit down, lad? You're making the place look untidy.
(At that moment, the DOCTOR is escorted out of the DETECTIVE-INSPECTOR'S office into the front area. STEVEN rushes over to him.)
STEVEN: (Quietly to the DOCTOR.) It's all right?
DOCTOR: Of course, of course. And what are you doing here, hmm?
(The DETECTIVE-INSPECTOR looks at STEVEN.)
DETECTIVE-INSPECTOR: Who are you? Do you know this man?
(The DOCTOR coughs, possibly signaling STEVEN)
STEVEN: Yes. Er...
(He hastily adopts the Liverpudlian accent again...)
STEVEN: I mean - aye.
STATION SERGEANT: He's just the extra bloke from 'G' Division, sir.
STEVEN: Er, yeah, it's...it's alright, er, I'll look after him.
DETECTIVE-INSPECTOR: Well, if you know him, perhaps you can tell us what he's doing in a police box?
STEVEN: (Feigning surprise.) A what?!
DETECTIVE-INSPECTOR: That police box across the yard - he claims to live in it.
STEVEN: Oh, no.
(He speaks to the DOCTOR as if he is senile and needs reassurance...)
STEVEN: Just a minute. It'll be all right, just a minute.
(STEVEN crosses over to the DETECTIVE-INSPECTOR and speaks to him quietly aside.)
STEVEN: No, er, it's alright. Er, you see he's a funny feller, but I know how to handle him. We're used to him down in 'G' Division.
DETECTIVE-INSPECTOR: Very well. Well, get him out of here, and see that he steers clear of that police box.
STEVEN: Right. I'll do that....sir.
(He turns back to the DOCTOR.)
STEVEN: Right, er, come on there, old man.
DOCTOR: (Coughs.) I... (Coughs.) ...much of the old man, either. What's all this funny accent?
STEVEN: Everybody else is doing it.
SECOND POLICEMAN: I'll come with you and make sure you can manage.
(Everyone starts to talk as the DOCTOR and STEVEN walk to the station door with the SECOND POLICEMAN.)
STEVEN: It's alright, ___!
SECOND POLICEMAN: I know ___!
(STEVEN makes a show of man-handling the DOCTOR who both protests and giggles as the desk phone rings.)
15: EXT. STATION YARD (NIGHT)
(As they come out of the station, the SECOND POLICEMAN spots SARA as she finishes fixing the scanner eye.)
SECOND POLICEMAN: Hey you! Hey you, what' you playing at?
(STEVEN and the DOCTOR come out of the station talking at the same time...)
STEVEN: Go into the TARDIS - now hurry!
DOCTOR: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Oh.
(As the DOCTOR rushes into the TARDIS and slams the door shut, the SECOND POLICEMAN grabs SARA not having noticed that the other "prisoner" has
SECOND POLICEMAN: (To STEVEN.) I don't know what it is about that police box, but first of all, the old bloke comes out of it - now I catch
this lass climbing about on it.
STEVEN: It's all right, miss...
SARA: (Forcefully.) Please let me go!
STEVEN: It's all right. I know her too.
SECOND POLICEMAN: Aye, you seem to know all the queer people. Well, who is she?
STEVEN: Well, she's a...she's a friend of the old man's.
SECOND POLICEMAN: Ah...
SARA: Let me go!
(She elbows the SECOND POLICEMAN in the stomach and he falls to the ground.)
SARA: Come on, Steven.
(SARA and STEVEN run into the TARDIS and quickly get inside, slamming the doors behind them. The TARDIS dematerializes as the SECOND POLICEMAN recovers. His
portly colleague comes back into the yard and sees him on the ground.)
FIRST POLICEMAN: Hello, hello? What's up with you?
(He suddenly notices the empty space in the yard as the SECOND POLICEMAN groans.)
FIRST POLICEMAN: Here...here, it's gone!
SECOND POLICEMAN: (Still groggy.) What?
FIRST POLICEMAN: That telephone box - it's gone. (Puzzled.) Weren't it meant for us?
16: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM
(With the TARDIS in flight once more, STEVEN points out his new police tunic...)
STEVEN: I found this jacket, so they thought I was one of their group. (To SARA.) And when you appeared on the scene they were completely
DOCTOR: (To STEVEN.) Well, even I, dear boy, must admit that I enjoyed myself. (To SARA.) Did you fix the scanner, mm?
SARA: I did - and no help from either of you.
STEVEN: At least it's working.
DOCTOR: Have you checked it?
SARA: Of course not. After that man grabbed me I didn't have a chance.
DOCTOR: Never mind, never mind. Is the Taranium safe?
STEVEN: Yes, over there.
(He points across the room at the small metal canister as the DOCTOR clears his throat.)
SARA: Oh, I'd forgotten about the Daleks.
DOCTOR: Now, that's one thing you mustn't do, my dear. Remember they have the same type of machines and they can follow us.
STEVEN: Yes, but they won't have found out about the switch yet.
DOCTOR: No, I sincerely hope not.
SARA: Well, while we have the Taranium their plan cannot work.
DOCTOR: I don't think the Daleks will attack the Sos...the Solar System until they've checked their Time Destructor.
STEVEN: Then what can we do?
DOCTOR: Well, I think we might, perhaps, be able to destroy the Taranium before they catch us up.
(SARA sees that the central column has stopped moving.)
SARA: I think we've stopped again.
DOCTOR: Yes, we might, er, we might still be on Earth. Wait a minute.
(The DOCTOR checks the TARDIS console.)
DOCTOR: Oh, no, the atmosphere has...improved considerably. Yes, let's have a look at the scanner. It might tell us something.
(The DOCTOR flips the switch revealing on the scanner screen only dark shapes. Suddenly, a scream pierces the calm...)
DOCTOR: The door!
17: INT. BARN
(A woman with blond ringlets in a pale frilly dress and with her hands tied is being dragged through an old logging and saw mill barn towards a bench-top
circular saw by a moustached man who wears a bowler hat. The woman, BLOSSOM LEFAVRE screams as the moustached man, DARCY TRANTON taunts her. Piano music fills
BLOSSOM LEFAVRE: (Screaming) Oh, No! No! No!
DARCY TRANTON: This saw will take care of you, and then my secret will be safe forever. Ha, ha, ha, ha!
BLOSSOM LEFAVRE: (Screaming) Oh! No! Help me! Somebody help me, please! Oh!
DARCY TRANTON: Your cries cannot be heard! The saw-mill is miles from anywhere!
(TRANTON shouts more threats and laughs as STEVEN and SARA rush into the room.)
BLOSSOM LEFAVRE: (Screaming) No!
STEVEN: (To the moustached man) What are you doing?
(STEVEN runs over and punches TRANTON in the eye and SARA starts to loosen the woman's ropes.)
BLOSSOM LEFAVRE: Oh! Somebody! Oh! Stop!
STEINBERGER P. GREEN: (Shouts.) Cut!
BLOSSOM LEFAVRE: Oh, no, no, no, no!
(The music stops and STEINBERGER P. GREEN gets out of his director's chair and walks onto the set of the saw mill within the silent-film studio. He stands
before the spotlights and turns to the assembled stagehands as STEVEN and SARA look on in shock.)
STEINBERGER P. GREEN: Stop! Stop! Who let those bums in here?
(BLOSSOM LEFAVRE'S screams of terror turn to screams of rage and despair as she shrieks out in a New Jersey accent...)
BLOSSOM LEFAVRE: (Shrieks.) Steinberger! They've ruined my scene! Oh!
STEINBERGER P. GREEN: (Shouts.) It's that guy – DeMille!
BLOSSOM LEFAVRE: (Shouts.) What are you gonna do about it?!
STEINBERGER P. GREEN: (Shouts.) He's trying to sabotage me!
(As LEFAVRE cries like a spoilt child, the portly moustached STEINBERGER P. GREEN points at STEVEN and SARA and yells...)
STEINBERGER P. GREEN: (Shouts.) Get those bums outta here!
(The studio is full of noise as the actress continues to cry and the film crew closes in on STEVEN and SARA from the set. To escape the mayhem, STEVEN
punches at some of the men closing in on them and SARA uses her combat skills on the others before they can be detained. The two rush off leaving chaos behind
them. Mascara tears pouring down her face, LEFAVRE continues her tantrum but STEINBERGER P. GREEN has been utterly amazed by the fighting skills of the two
escaping people and his attitude towards them is transformed.)
STEINBERGER P. GREEN: (To STEVEN and SARA) What are you doing?! Come back here!
(He turns to the people on the set.)
STEINBERGER P. GREEN: Did you see those two?
BLOSSOM LEFAVRE: (Crying.) Steinberger, get back ___ my scene!
STEINBERGER P. GREEN: Wait!
BLOSSOM LEFAVRE: (Crying.) What are you gonna do?!
STEINBERGER P. GREEN: I want them back here!
BLOSSOM LEFAVRE: (Crying.) Oh, Steinberger, what are you going to do about it?!
STEINBERGER P. GREEN: Pipe down now! There's no camera running now! Save it for the later take.
(Somewhat brushed off, LEFAVRE continues to cry as DARCY TRANTON walks forward holding his injured eye.)
DARCY TRANTON: Steinberger, look at my eye!
STEINBERGER P. GREEN: (To his assistant.) Hey you!
DARCY TRANTON: Look what they've done to my eye!
(GREEN'S assistant comes over.)
STEINBERGER P. GREEN: (Shouts.) I want those two back here.
DARCY TRANTON: Am I, or am I not, the star of this picture?
STEINBERGER P. GREEN: (Shouts.) He's great! Bigger than Fairbanks!
(The assistant doesn't move as TRANTON continues to whine.)
DARCY TRANTON: Look what they've done to my eye.
STEINBERGER P. GREEN: (To the assistant.) Well, don't just stand there...
DARCY TRANTON: Look at my eye! Look at my eye!
STEINBERGER P. GREEN: (Shouts.) ...go get them!
(The assistant runs off.)
STEINBERGER P. GREEN: Oh!
(The screen is filled with a full-screen caption, written in the style of old fashioned silent films. Accompanied by piano cliffhanger-esque music, it
"And so the
Hunt was on..."
19: INT. STUDIO. PASSAGE
(STEVEN has got lost from SARA. He runs down a passage in the studio building and into the DOCTOR.)
DOCTOR: Where's Sara?
STEVEN: Oh, I must've lost her. Where are we?
(The DOCTOR spots a door in the passage marked "Wardrobe".)
DOCTOR: In here - quick!
STEVEN: Oh, oh.
(A man who looks like Charlie Chaplin walks past them as STEVEN and the DOCTOR duck into the studio wardrobe room to hide.)
(Accompanied by Middle Eastern sounding piano music, it reads...)
"Meanwhile in the
21: INT. SHEIK'S TENT SET
(An ARAB SHEIK addresses a scantily clad female, the VAMP lounging on a chaise.)
ARAB SHEIK: (In an English accent.) ...and then I will come to you on my camel, and sweep you away across the desert!
(The director of this film, INGMAR KNOPF suddenly shouts out in a Scandinavian accent...)
INGMAR KNOPF: No! No! Terrible!
(KNOPF strides forward to remonstrate with the actor as the CAMERAMAN turns to the crew...)
CAMERAMAN: Okay, Harry. Cut down at twenty-three...
(His other words are drowned out as KNOPF continues the stage instructions...)
INGMAR KNOPF: You've got to give it more feeling. She's not a sack of potatoes.
VAMP: (In a Germanic accent.) No. He is de sack of potatoes. Vere did you find him - on a rubbish dump?
ARAB SHEIK: I resent that!
(As the crew starts to shout instructions and responses at each other, STEINBERGER P. GREEN rushes onto the set with some of his men and up to KNOPF.)
STEINBERGER P. GREEN: Iggy! Iggy! Did you see them?
INGMAR KNOPF: Who? Who?
STEINBERGER P. GREEN: A guy and a gal. (Enthusiastically.) They just beat the living daylights out of my camera crew. It was great!
INGMAR KNOPF: (Imperiously.) Perhaps you like your film interrupted, but I do not. Please do not interrupt me when I am creating.
(The American CAMERAMAN walks forward.)
CAMERAMAN: Ah, Mr. Ke-noff? Mr. Ke-noff?
(He pronounces the name "Ke-noff". The director bristles with anger and corrects him, pronouncing the name "Ke-nerve"...)
INGMAR KNOPF: Knopf! Ingmar Knopf!
CAMERAMAN: Mr. Knopf. Ah, Professor Webster is here, sir.
INGMAR KNOPF: Ah, good! Send him to me at once. I need him in this next scene.
CAMERAMAN: Yes sir.
INGMAR KNOPF: Very good.
(He walks off to fetch the new arrival. There is much more busy conversation noise in the studio as GREEN continues to wax lyrical about his new
"finds" to KNOPF...)
STEINBERGER P. GREEN: You should have seen him! He was great! Bigger than Fairbanks! I've got to find a name for him! Something suave!
INGMAR KNOPF: Please, look, please do whatever you like, but leave me alone! Get off my set! I'm trying to make a film!
(He tries to hustle GREEN away but he only starts to argue with his own men. KNOPF starts to mutter instructions to an assistant but suddenly catches SARA
sneaking around the back of the set and shouts out to his arguing crew...)
INGMAR KNOPF: Who is this girl? If she's one of the harem, why is she wearing that peculiar clothing?
STEINBERGER P. GREEN: (To his men.) I don't know. You stupid...
INGMAR KNOPF: Tell her to get them off!
STEINBERGER P. GREEN: (To his men.) Oh, shut up!
INGMAR KNOPF: ___!
STEINBERGER P. GREEN: (To his men.) Alright, alright.
(Some of the crew advance on SARA who backs off...)
(Accompanied by dramatic piano music, it reads...)
"Meanwhile in the
23: INT. STUDIO PASSAGE
(The DOCTOR and STEVEN emerge from the wardrobe room and back into the passage.)
DOCTOR: No, I must find Sara.
STEVEN: You think she's still in this place?
DOCTOR: I'll try up there first - you wait here.
(The DOCTOR walks off looking for SARA. A moment later, the ASSISTANT DIRECTOR walks up to STEVEN and spots his police uniform.)
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR: Oh, there you are! Everybody's waiting.
(He starts to pull at STEVEN.)
STEVEN: No. Not...
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR: Now don't argue! Come on!
(He places a truncheon into STEVEN'S hand.)
STEVEN: No. You...You're making a terrible mistake.
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR: We're looking and there you are.
(He carries on pulling STEVEN down the passageway.)
STEVEN: I'm... I'm not who... (Shouts.) Doctor! No. No, please. This is quite ridiculous. I...I have nothing to do with your film...
(He manages to pull away from the DIRECTOR and runs off down the passageway. Two actors dressed as Keystone Kops pursue him and drag him back by the feet and
STEVEN: (Shouts.) Put...put me down! Put me down!! I have never ___!
(They take him down the passageway. After a moment, the sound of a rickety old car and its horn starts up as the car moves off. Another moment later and the
passageway reverberates to the sound of an almighty crash. Soon, a battered and dusty STEVEN runs away from the set and makes his escape. He is followed a
moment later by the ASSISTANT DIRECTOR...)
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR: Now where's he got to? We need him to do that scene again.
(Accompanied by Middle Eastern-styled piano music, it reads...)
"Meanwhile back in
the Sheik's Tent..."
25: INT. SHEIK'S TENT SET
(The dreadful ARAB SHEIK actor is rehearsing his line, constantly changing his stressing of the words...)
ARAB SHEIK: "And then I will come to you..." "And then I will come to you." "And then I will come to you...on
my camel and I will sweep you away across the desert!"
INGMAR KNOPF: All right. All right.
(More crew members start talking on the set.)
INGMAR KNOPF: (To the ARAB SHEIK) Professor Webster isn't here yet, so please don't exhaust your capabilities.
ARAB SHEIK: (Indignantly.) Now look here, Mister Ke-noff!
INGMAR KNOPF: (Correcting his pronunciation) Knopf. Ingmar Knopf.
ARAB SHEIK: Ke-nerve! You can't talk to me like that. I am an actor!
VAMP: What! He is not an actor. You are a cheap pig!
ARAB SHEIK: Get lost, Fraulein!
(The studio starts to prepare for the shot.)
STAGEHAND: (OOV.) Hey did you find your sword?
STAGEHAND: (OOV.) No, I didn't, Mike...
STAGEHAND: (OOV.) I...
STAGEHAND: (OOV.) All right. All right.
STAGEHAND: (OOV.) Saw it a little...
STAGEHAND: (OOV.) ...saw it just down here.
(The DOCTOR suddenly walks into the studio. His elderly appearance immediately causes KNOPF to mistake his identity...)
INGMAR KNOPF: Professor Webster! Where have you been all this time?
INGMAR KNOPF: We've been waiting for you. As our expert on Arabian customs we need your help.
DOCTOR: Certainly, certainly! My help! Oh, I shall be delighted! Yes!
(He declaims a line of Arabic.)
INGMAR KNOPF: How very good, Professor!
DOCTOR: Doctor, please!
INGMAR KNOPF: Oh, Doctor!
(He shows the DOCTOR round the set as the crew shouts more instructions behind them...)
CAMERAMAN: (OOV.) Scene twenty-three - we'll fix it up for you.
INGMAR KNOPF: This is...an...a rich Sheik's tent.
DOCTOR: Oh, yes, and who's this?
(The DOCTOR points to the scantily-clad VAMP.)
INGMAR KNOPF: She's an Arabian princess.
DOCTOR: Nonsense! You put some more clothes on, child. Go along.
(Leaving an aghast VAMP behind, he walks towards a prop wooden chest.)
DOCTOR: And what's all this?
(He raps on the chest. It opens and SARA climbs out.)
INGMAR KNOPF: (To SARA) What are you doing in there? Please, get out! You are in the next scene. A harem scene, please!
DOCTOR: (To SARA as he grabs her.) Come on - to the wardrobe!
(They run off.)
INGMAR KNOPF: (To the DOCTOR) But Dr. Webster! Where are you going?
(Accompanied by dramatic piano music, it reads...)
"But what has
happened to Steven?"
27: INT. STUDIO PASSAGE
(STEVEN comes back out of the wardrobe room having divested himself of his police tunic. Suddenly, he meets the DOCTOR and an icily annoyed SARA as they head
along the passage.)
STEVEN: Sara, where have you been?
SARA: I don't know. But a strange man kept telling me to take my clothes off!
DOCTOR: Now, come along. We must go back to the TARDIS. This is a madhouse. It's all full of Arabs! Come along.
(Accompanied by mellow piano music, it reads...)
"Meanwhile, all was not
well at the Old Barn"
29: INT. BARN SET
(On the set near where the TARDIS landed, there is still a lot of commotion. The crew who were earlier attacked shout among themselves whilst BLOSSOM LEFAVRE
cries to GREEN as he tries to console her, needing her to complete the scene...)
STEINBERGER P. GREEN: Sure, baby, sure. I know it was a bit of a shock.
BLOSSOM LEFAVRE: You're tryna get ridda me! You don't want me as your star any more!
STEINBERGER P. GREEN: Of course I do, baby. You're great!
(He turns from comforting her to yell at one of his assistants – Charlie.)
STEINBERGER P. GREEN: Okay, Charlie, what about those props?!
(He turns back to a sobbing BLOSSOM LEFAVRE and turns the oily charm back on...)
STEINBERGER P. GREEN: I told you I don't want those kids for your kind of a picture.
BLOSSOM LEFAVRE: But, you said you were going to make him bigger than Fairbanks. I suppose you're going to make her bigger than Pickford!
(GREEN shouts at Charlie once more...)
STEINBERGER P. GREEN: No, Charlie. I mean props!
(BLOSSOM LEFAVRE starts to cry at being ignored and GREEN turns back to her.)
STEINBERGER P. GREEN: No, honey, no. She's not that kind of a girl. You're the one I'm gonna make great. (Pleading.) Now look, you're
gonna...you're gonna take one more take, huh. Please?
BLOSSOM LEFAVRE: Oh, all right. But this'll be the last time.
STEINBERGER P. GREEN: Sure, sure.
(He turns to his crew.)
STEINBERGER P. GREEN: (Shouts.) Quiet everybody. Set up for a take!
(Someone blows a whistle in the background.)
FIRST STAGEHAND: (OOV.) Set up for a take!
SECOND STAGEHAND: (OOV.) Set up for a take!
STEINBERGER P. GREEN: Makeup!
STAGEHAND: (OOV.) Makeup!
(Suddenly, GREEN hears and then sees the DOCTOR, STEVEN and SARA trying to return to the back of the barn set.)
STEVEN: I've already told you ___!
STEINBERGER P. GREEN: Stop! Stop those two!
(Seeing that they are still wanted, SARA and STEVEN run off as GREEN and the stagehands follow them.)
STAGEHAND: Hey, you two! Come back here!
STEINBERGER P. GREEN: Stop those two!
(LEFAVRE is once more outraged at being ignored.)
BLOSSOM LEFAVRE: No! No, no, no, no! Oh!
(She gives up protesting and joins in the pursuit.)
(Accompanied by piano chase music, and the sounds of the chase, it reads...)
31: INT. BACK OF THE BARN SET
(Various studio people chase SARA and STEVEN through the Hollywood studio. The whole scene is a slapstick chase to cries of "Stop those two" and
"Stop 'em!" that includes Keystone cops, a cowboy, a saloon bar girl, and even Charlie Chaplin.)
STEVEN: Come on, Sara!
STEINBERGER P. GREEN: Stop those two!
(The DOCTOR has made it back to the TARDIS at the back of the set where he finds a dejected man in checked suit, striped tie and bowler hat sat on the
threshold. They watch as STEVEN and SARA run past.)
STEINBERGER P. GREEN: Stop those two!
STAGEHAND: Stop those two!
(The DOCTOR shouts after STEVEN and SARA.)
DOCTOR: Come back, you two!
CLOWN: Typical. When you're new around here, they chase you. But after a while - you're off.
DOCTOR: What's that?
CLOWN: All the time they want something new. New jokes? There aren't any.
DOCTOR: Aren't there? Well, that's a joke in itself!
(The CLOWN laughs at the DOCTOR'S remarks.)
32: INT. SHEIK'S TENT SET
(STEVEN and SARA and their pursuers run through the Sheik's tent set, again interrupting the filming.)
INGMAR KNOPF: What are you doing? Get them out of here! And will you please tell that girl to get changed?
CAMERAMAN: Yeah, yeah, Mr. Knopf.
(There are more shouts from the stagehands as the chase continues...)
(Accompanied by the continued piano chase music, it reads...)
back at the TARDIS"
34: INT. BACK OF THE BARN SET
(Over the hubbub of the noise of the chase, the DOCTOR and the CLOWN continue to talk.)
CLOWN: Custard pies have been done by Chaplin, so I'm not allowed to.
DOCTOR: Hmm, quite, quite. Now would you mind moving...?
(He tries to get past the soulful little man and into the TARDIS.)
CLOWN: Buckets of water, done by Chaplin. Banana skins...
CLOWN & DOCTOR: (Together.) ...all done by Chaplin!
DOCTOR: Hmm! Hmm!
35: INT. SHEIK'S TENT SET
(The next shot is being set up on the Sheik's tent set with the two actors.)
CAMERAMAN: Now we start in close, yeah, see? And then we'll dolly back down along there.
(KNOPF runs up.)
INGMAR KNOPF: Hey, where's Webster?
INGMAR KNOPF: Webster.
(Suddenly an out-of-breath GREEN runs back in.)
STEINBERGER P. GREEN: Which way did they go?
INGMAR KNOPF: What are you up to? Please, where's Webster?
(The whistles of the Keystone cops are heard in the background as the conversation continues.)
STEINBERGER P. GREEN: They came through here! Where did they go?
INGMAR KNOPF: Two fools rushed over there somewhere.
(He points off in the direction STEVEN and SARA took.)
STEINBERGER P. GREEN: Great!
INGMAR KNOPF: Where's Webster?
(He runs off after his quarry.)
CAMERAMAN: Where's Webster?!
36: INT. BACK OF THE BARN SET
CLOWN: They won't even let me do the wallpaper and paste routine. You know why?
DOCTOR: Done by Chaplin?
DOCTOR: (Laughs.) Now, would you excuse me?
(He tries once more to make it into the TARDIS but the CLOWN is on a roll...)
CLOWN: I'll tell you something - that little Englishman has done everything. I think I'll give it up and take to singing.
CLOWN: But, who'd use a singer with a name like Bing Crosby?
DOCTOR: Custard pies! Bing Crosby! Ha!
(STEVEN and SARA run up to them with GREEN and the others close behind.)
(The DOCTOR, STEVEN and SARA dash into the TARDIS and dematerialise as everyone pursuing them from the Hollywood studio, including KNOPF, rushes back onto
the old mill set talking and yelling. They all stop talking and look at the emptying space in stunned silence. The unusual quiet is broken as BLOSSOM LEFAVRE,
oblivious to anything but her own needs, runs up to GREEN.)
BLOSSOM LEFAVRE: Steinberger, just when are we gonna do my scene, huh?
(There is lots of talking and confusion on the set as GREEN finds his voice...)
STEINBERGER P. GREEN: (Shouts.) What great trick! They just disappeared!
INGMAR KNOPF: (Shouts.) Where are we gonna find Professor Webster? Where's Webster?
STEINBERGER P. GREEN: (Shouts.) I wanna use it! ___! How's it done?!
(The film-crew and stagehands yell about the disappearance of the TARDIS crew as KNOPF, having seen the DOCTOR disappear into the vanished box, shouts
INGMAR KNOPF: (Shouts.) Come back! Come back, Webster! Come back!
(A little man in thick pebble glasses taps KNOPF on the shoulder.)
PROF. WEBSTER: Excuse me.
INGMAR KNOPF: What do you want? Can't you see I'm busy?
PROF. WEBSTER: I'm Professor Webster.
(All the crewmembers on the whole set go quiet.)
INGMAR KNOPF: Who - you?
PROF. WEBSTER: Yes, Professor Webster.
INGMAR KNOPF: (Shouts.) Darling!
(He hugs the astonished little man.)
(Accompanied by soulful piano music, it reads...)
"And so they all lived
happily ever after"
38: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM
(Within the TARDIS, STEVEN and SARA recover from their strange ordeal.)
SARA: Whatever was that place?
STEVEN: (Breathless.) Oh, I've no idea. I'm glad we got away.
SARA: What were they doing?
STEVEN: Your guess is as good as mine. Let's hope we never land there again.
(The DOCTOR walks in bearing a tray with champagne and three glasses.)
DOCTOR: Here we are.
STEVEN: What's this?
DOCTOR: Well, we so rarely get a chance to celebrate, but this time...we must.
(STEVEN and SARA take a glass.)
DOCTOR: Yes. It's Christmas.
(The DOCTOR takes his own glass.)
STEVEN: Is it?
DOCTOR: Don't you remember? The police station – Christmas?
STEVEN: So it was, yes.
DOCTOR: Here's a toast - a Happy Christmas to all of us.
(He takes a sip.)
STEVEN: Same to you, Doctor, Sara.
(The DOCTOR turns away.)
(STEVEN and SARA clink their glasses.)
STEVEN AND SARA: Hey!
DOCTOR: ...a happy Christmas to all of you at home!
(The DOCTOR turns back to his companions and they drink their champagne.)
Man in Mackintosh
Steinberger P. Green
ROBERT G. JEWELL
Title music by
and the BBC Radiophonic Workshop
Incidental Music composed by